Ever wondered how some days just seem cursed from the moment you unwillingly open your eyes to a “bright new day”? You've never.. well here's how to guarantee your day day starts off extremely well ... yes I'm being ironic... oh you noticed – great!

If it's a weekday, make sure it's the Wednesday after a public holiday. That way you'll feel like you have to go through two Mondays in a week regardless of the fact that you spent the whole Tuesday lazying. Be sure to stay up late on the aforementioned Tuesday and set your alarm clock for 05:00 a.m. - not voluntarily, of course. You have to start work at 05:30, it takes you roughly twenty minutes with a bicycle to get there, leaving you a generous ten minutes to become awake, take a shower, brush your teeth and have a glass of water – healthy – indeed. Make sure you had a terrible nightmare, whose context, you of course cannot remember but which left you sweating and so exhausted, if you were superstitious you'd believe your spirit had been sent to work on someone's sugar cane farm the whole night. It's about time you cut down on watching those Nigerian films. What with your over-active imagination...

If you're not an “early-morning” person – euphemism for “a lazy bum”, that should be real torture. Leave the house at 05:15, meaning you'll have to push that bike to its limits, not forgetting those of your rusting muscles.

Now comes the good part. I can actually see you rubbing your hands in anticipation. The bicycle you own is considered a health hazard and a death trap by most. The rest believe it belongs in a nostalgia-museum and since no one would even consider stealing it, let alone borrowing it, locking it up is a waste of time. Well someone thought otherwise, because it's missing. Take a walk around the block to make yourself even more late, shed a tear or two of frustration and in a “don't-care” mood, decide it's about time the Germans learnt a thing or two about the African unpunctuality.

We'll decide today that you're not really too stingy to take a taxi, you're just broke. On a whim and against your better judgement, make the decision to run/jog to work. Besides, the muscle pains you're bound to have at the end of the day may as well be justified. Calling in sick is not an option though you feel like it. Make sure you take the route that will make you meet early morning joggers, perfectly formed and in a jolly good mood. Once you reach your place of work, make the necessary apologies complete with the stale joke... “hee hee, we Africans and time-keeping” You've just sold yourself and the rest of the continent - to use the street lingo... umetuuza maaze.

You are allowed to forget for a while that you're supposed to be starting off on the wrong foot and keeping it that way.

Halfway through the day, you may actually start humming a song... Les Wanyika... hasira za nini, wee mama... yule si wako, wala si wangu, chuki ya nini kati yangu, mimi na wewe.. wataka kuniuuwa bure, mama... of course you can't come up with something better... better??? Names like Chris Brown leave question marks written all over your face, whereas names like Michael Jackson, The Bangles, Samba Mapangla and co. bring on a wide grin. But we're getting sidetracked here.. back to the bad day.

While you're your feet tap to a beat in your mind and you start making plans for the weekend, you should find yourself walking with a slight stoop. A few hours later, every step is a reminder of what hell could be like. With a “sad” sigh, you ask for the rest of the day off, pass by the chemist's to get yourself some heat wraps and head home hoping your dearest has somehow sensed you'll be having a “start-off-on-the-wrong-foot” day and has done all the housework. Dream on! At this stage, the phrase “you're as old as you feel” becomes extremely depressing. You have some options though. You could get yourself Demi Moore's plastic surgeon and private trainer (at gun point because you definitely can't afford them and you're too stingy to buy a lottery ticket but you still pray every day that you'll win) or ... hmm... don't know what your other option could be.

Go to bed and start the next day on the right foot? Here's to... to “right” feet. *grin*