Firstly, it is desirable that a charter be not just trite lines of printed characters. That makes it look like a rule or regulation, and we have already enough of those unenforced ones. Instead, fill it with nice, ditzy pictures. Colour is a must. The friendly face of mheshimiwa waziri, or the frowningly earnest face of the Permanent Secretary are a nice entry. After that, follow the example of the Ministry of Tourism, Wildlife and African Natives, and adorn the charter with as many pics of smiling animals and wild, colourfully-clad natives as possible. Avoid baboons (they might impart to the charter an uneasy air of bureaucratic realism) and instead use yawning leopards (p. 3), yawning hippos (p. 5), or drummers (pp. 5, 7: for who drums, needs not listen).

Secondly, use the charter to put your client into the right frame of mind from the outset. Attitude is important, as ministries can learn from Kenya Police. Not "Utumishi kwa wote" (somebody might naively take you up on such promise, and what will you then do?), but rather "Wapi gibande yago?!". Again, one can take as darkly shining example the service chatter of the ministry of tourism and wildlife.

Thirdly, avoid addressing gender issues in a service charter. Best even avoid the word "gender" as such, rather leave it to NGOs, feminists and similar shady suspects. A generic pledge to "social equity" is more than enough (p. 5). Anything can be socially equitable if seen from the right perspective (that is, from above), but gender equity sounds uncomfortably close to gender equality. One could get the wrong idea that men and women are supposed to receive equally courteous and competent service.

Fourth: Be as unspecific as possible. Do not fall into the trap of promising to answer the phone after 3 rings, e.g. (a bad example set by the EPZA charter). Some wananchi might get pert ideas and begin to count. Rather, pledge to answer the phone "promptly" (charter of the ministry of tourism and wildlife, p. 6).

"Promptly" can be anything: If the head of department has hung his jacket over the chair and is off for his well-deserved short lunch break from 11:15 to 3:45, he is certainly acting as promptly as possible when he immediately picks up the orphaned phone should it again ring after his return. If the switchboard lady is sharing the latest news about her cousins in shags with the door watchman and the receptionist, it is definitely "promptly" when she picks up the constantly ringing phone 15 minutes later, after the story is finished, immediately after her return to her work desk - can't be prompter, can it?

Fifth, take your time. Rome was not built in one day, and a letter need not be written in one month. Promise only what you can keep. Some shining examples from the pledges in the charter of the ministry of ... can't you guess it already? ... and their translation into real English (all on p. 6):

• "Attend to you within 10 minutes of your visit"

(= you will be left standing for 10 minutes, and then be told to sit down and wait. Thus, you have doubtlessly been "attended" to, haven't you?)

• "Respond to your correspondence within 14 days of receipt of your letter"

(= after 14 days, you shall receive a brief acknowledgement that your communication has been received. That is a response already, right. More has not been promised)

• "Treat your concern with confidentiality"

(= I will listen to your woes and problem, and will keep it confidential within my bosom. I will neither report it to my boss / head of department, nor phone other offices to see how one can assist, nor will re-kindle your memory of an ugly experience by actually addressing the substance of your complaint. I will instead keep it entirely confidential and to myself, like a tomb)

Sixth, use fine-tuned legal language with inconspicuous but crucial qualifications. It is the precise nuance that counts in a service chatter. Every word has a meaning, one must just pay attention (p. 7).

"New claims on injury or death from wildlife will be responded to within one month upon receipt."

(= Sorry, parliament and press choked our neck badly, this line was simply wrung out of us. But old claims that have not been worked on since the last 2 or 3 years will be left smouldering indefinitely. Hey, the guy is dead already, so why hurry?)

"The ministry's response to issuing of work permit will be within 14 days upon receipt of the application."

(= Within 14 days, you'll be notified that your application is being worked on, and that the ministry will contact you when further information is needed. We have very purposely not promised a *decision* within 14 days, that would be ludicrous. It's only your livelihood at stake here - that's why we call you "a valued stakeholder", by the way -, so just see and wait)

"Suppliers of goods and services will be paid within 14 days upon satisfactory delivery of goods or services."

(= We will silently judge for ourselves if we consider a delivery as satisfactory. If not, we will simply not pay, and since we were not satisfied and are peeved, we feel under no obligation to let you know why we are in arrear. You could always sue us in court, of course, that is your right as a valued customer. Take your time and pay your attorney)

Seventh, an important issue and constant element in every service charter is the question how peeves, complaints and petitions from the populace should be handled. They cannot be entirely avoided (page 7 at the end):

We "will acknowledge receipt and act on genuine complaints within (30) thirty days upon receipt."

But only on genuine complaints, mind you (and we have used the same qualifying adjective already a few lines above that sentence, to avert you). This clause is very important, and many other ministries were not as circumspect in their service charters as we are, alas, to their detriment. It's easy: since we are committed to excellency anyhow, it is hardly conceivable that any complaint be genuine, rather it might be a misunderstanding or misexpectation on your part. As you see, we have very cleverly committed ourselves only to act on genuine complaints, so if we find your experience not genuine (and we are the supreme arbiter of that), you will simply hear nothing at all from us. That is exactly what we have promised, not a iota more, and we keep our promise to the letter, so don't fault us.

Eighth, the ministry of tourism and wildlife is fully aware of the nature of a Social Contract. We know that reciprocatively to their service rights, clients also have obligations to us, which a good charter has to hammer into their memory. Don't believe you can sneak away from these! Your most important obligation as client is respect and due deference when meeting one of your betters (us). For we know our Latin, we know what "cliens/clientis" really means by its origin. Do you? So:

„Never compromise the Ministry's staff." (page 9).

This is the very last sentence of our service charter, and you better believe we have had a clear signalling intention in setting it so prominently at the end.

Wanjiku, you may now sit down and wait until you are attended to. Be silent and use the time to study the enumerated acts of parliament with "all and any of which" we very rightfully "expect you to be conversant" (literally so, on page 9).

Other ministries and directorates would do also very well, in my opinion, to take notice of the Ministry of Tourism and Wildlife's Service Charter, and to study it diligently. It is truly exemplary. Exemplary as how to NOT write one.