In the course was a young man whom I shall call John (not his real name).  John lived in one of the slums in Nairobi.  He reminded me so much of my brother in his flowering youth that there was an instant bond between us.  John was to give me my first gift from the rigorous training that was the course.  He gave me insight into the personal cost of individual actions.  The costs that we hide deep in our souls, safe even from ourselves.   During one of our sessions, it became clear that he had done some really bad things that made the complaints that the rest of us had about our mothers, fathers, teachers, bosses seem like baseless whinging. 

Indeed John had been a politicians' "thug for hire".  He had from time to time been paid to attack supporters of political opponents.  Under questioning it became clear to us all that he had done much more than "simply" the roughing up of people that he would admit to.  He started to act-up without notice, during the questioning aimed at getting him to speak his truth and so presumably set himself free; he became possessed by forces beyond his control.  He averted his eyes in the most obvious manner as if it had become painful to look anyone in the eye.  He became literally shifty, unable to keep still standing when he should sit and sitting when he should stand.  Now he was restless, walking around as if to get away from a physical threat that only he could see.  He became incoherent and deaf at the same time, unable to hear and respond to simple questions.    He was clearly in some state of extreme distress. We never did find out what bad things he was hiding.  John quit without spilling the beans.

As I watched and listened to him, I began to realise that a person pays for his sins in his own life-time and not in some Christian hell. Although John had never been punished for his crimes, he had not gotten away with them.  Until the time of the course, he had never had to acknowledge his actions, nor take responsibility for them.  Definitely he had never made amends with his victims or even with himself.  As a consequence he was doomed to carry his crimes around with him, he could never get away from them. Even worse he took those crimes, and who he had become as an outcome, into his relationships and into his community. 

John carries the demon impunity in the caverns of his soul. Interestingly the definition for impunity is "freedom from unpleasant consequences", or "exemption from punishment, harm, or recrimination."  But it is clear that impunity had not kept John free, he was in fact a prisoner of his misdeed. 

We like to associate impunity with politicians and others who have committed big crimes such as grand corruption. Politicians and their shadowy business associates who have gotten away with billions in public money in schemes with names like Goldenberg, Anglo-leasing.  But Kenya's edifice of impunity is constructed from the bottom up. It begins when we selectively condone anti-social acts of "small" people such as John.

One year after the post election violence, I revisited my positions on a range of issues. I found impunity lurking loudly in my arguments. 

Take the debate about what to do with the perpetrators of the post election violence.  On the big fish I was unequivocal they should roast.  But my position on the foot soldiers or the ordinary citizens the "Johns" who attacked, maimed, raped and killed fellow ordinary citizens my arguments clearly promote impunity.   My points were two.  That they must not be held responsible because they were "mere" innocent pawns who "only" took action at the behest of politicians. That the justice system is tribally partisan and will not mete out equal justice to all ordinary citizens who perpetrated violence.

A year on and the light of reason has excavated the dark dunk places in my soul and exposed the lies I was willing to tell and the consequences of those lies.  Revisiting the pictures in the book "Kenya Burning" a year on made me ashamed that I too was a perpetrator and that with my lies I was continuing the perpetrations that have become the Kenyan nation.  The pictures of the dead challenged me.  They are no longer capable of holding any position. 

Other photographs haunt me.  There is one of young "warriors" ranged carelessly on a hillside.  It is clear their foe is of no consequence otherwise they would not be scattered so randomly on that hill.  They can't be bothered with even the semblance of battle formation.  We now know, their foe were unarmed children, women and men.

Even as I talk loudly about yearning for a peaceful Kenya in which my children can be safe, in which elections are ordinary and uneventful, a country with room for us all, I was not willing commit to the thinking and the actions that will give birth to this new Kenya.  Put to a simple test I quit and recede. 

Lets look at the consequences of my "positions."  Young John has attacked, maimed, killed, raped several women and children.  People like me protect him from being held accountable for his actions.  We insist, you can only try him if youth from the "enemy" camp is tried.  A youth for a youth.  So he is protected. 

We insist young John is our hero.  But where does our John go?  Why back home to his community.  His mother welcomes him as if he were a gallant warrior returned from protecting the honour of the clan.  His father is proud of the exploits of his young son.  His sweetheart looks up at him with starry eyes.  But what is John?  A rapist of little children, a killer of defenceless men and women.  John has become diseased.  Impunity allows him to bring his malady back into his community.  Surprise! In our efforts to protect our young Johns we destroy our beloved son and infect our communities with the damage he has become.  Will John become an honourable, respectable member of our community?  Hardly.  And much later we will elect him our Member of Parliament.