Listening to Kenyan musicians, writers, filmakers, radio djs, rap artistes, journalists and others complain while using the same cliches and hackneyed phrasing, I created a dictionary of sorts to explain such riddles as, "I am an Artiste, not an Accountant'.
"Kenyans don't watch local tv programmes/films"
This one depends completely on who says it:
* If it is a television producer from a mainstream Kenyan TV station, it simply means; "I won't agree to ask the station to pay you money per episode! That would mean the scriptwriter earning more than me per month, puhleease! Afadhali we continue buying 24 even though we are in Season 3 and Kenyans are already watching season 7 on DVDs bought cheaply on the streets."
* If it is a local film maker lamenting the above, it simply means; "I wrote and shot my programme/film so fast and the quality is worse than that of wet tissue paper. Many people have told me that the quality is bad, but you know this industry is full of haters. I am a genius, f***k the audience, who needs to please Kenyan audiences? My Mom told me that I’m the best. My girlfriend says so too. To hell with Kenyan viewers. First of all, can't they see my work is experimental, even more postmodern in its style than Hollywood movies?"
"I won't tell you when my album will be out. It's a secret to make the audience anxious and eagerly await it! It will be hot!"
Pam, Sana, etc. are fond of this. It seems to me that the use of FruityLoopsTM and computer generated beats to make your music, promoteso the frequent use of this statement. But please! Artistes should stop abusing our intelligence. Not knowing when a release date is makes people bored, not anxious. That is why akina P Diddy can tell you the name of an album and its songs in 2007 and yet say it will be released in December 2008. Britney and Madonna albums are already slotted for mid-2009 releases, almost a year from now. Or haven't you seen Shrek 4, Bourne 4, and all those Hollywood films that already say 'Coming to your screens in December 2010?' right down to the exact date like Toy Story 3 is June 6th 2010? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is due out on November 19th 2010! Because they already have things they are working on, and they have a timetable! When Kenyan artistes say this it simply means "Gosh! If you could switch off that camera I would tell you the truth: I can only be creative once per year, making only one song per 365 days, and it doesn't even last 365 hours before it's off the airwaves. So now, it would take me 12 years to make an album, by that time I will be too old, not to mention that the people will have forgotten about me. I’m not working on anything, Aki woiye!"
"Do we have to talk about that? My life is private!"
This is a favourite one of all Kenyan musicians, rappers and similar artistically malnourished noisemakers who suffer from celebrity hungriness. This is a line you will never miss in Buzz and Pulse magazines, or that juvenile programme Stra-8-Up TV show whenever our 'celebs', both male and female alike are asked; "So do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” Most Kenyan artistes claim that this is so as to "not lose my fans if they know I am hooked up they will not like me." Aw, puhleease! Everyone knows Britney Spears is married and that doesn't stop their wet dreams. And Will Smith says he is married. And Justin Timberlake too has Jessica Biel. Neyo admits he has a son with Jessica White. When a Kenyan refuses to discuss their love life it’s simply because "There is Anita, Brenda, Christine (Abraham, Bonny, Charlie if it’s a female artiste) all the way to Z,who might be watching/reading this, and I can’t chose which name to say here since I am a player. This way I can explain to my partner(s) it's a marketing gimmick, and each will think they are the only one I love." Be brave like J-Lo or T.I. They don't ficha ata kama they change partners near as often as they fall sleep.
"The government should stop this piracy, its making us poor." This is the ultimate line for all Kenyan artistes regardless of genre.
If from the so called Kenyan Film Makers, puhlease! Only those River Road films are being pirated, so no one away from the Tom Mboya Film making scene should ever use this line. Nduti One Stop, the Kihenjos and the vernacular film makers have the license to say this, but they don't use it as a crutch, they continue making movies and improving their distribution networks such that even when pirated they at least have made some profit. Honestly though, have you ever seen a pirated movie from Kenyan Filmmakers of the Tom Mboya heading Uhuru Park or Karen side? When did you see 'Malooned.' or 'Help.' or 'Dangerous Affair.' being sold as pirated copies? When Kenyan Filmmakers say this they mean; "Er…actually, I haven't made a movie in the past five years but hey, I need an excuse to beg a drink of you after this interview since I’m broke" or "I tried taking my films to River Road and they told me that the story was crap and wouldn't sell. Who do they think they are, those sellers on those piracy infested dirty streets? So I went to Uchumi three years ago-they were at least sympathetic: they put two copies on their shelves, and damn the person who bought the first one he must have been bored stiff by it he told the rest of Kenya coz every time I go to Uchumi I still see the other copy, people evade it like a bomb." If from a Kenyan Musician, it simply means; "I have no album to sell, I only have two songs that I have bribed the TV guys to keep playing so I can claim am a celeb, but man who will invent the creativity Viagra for my brain to compile a whole album and be able to compete with Kamande wa Kioi in selling 6 figure copies in River Road? Since it might take a while, let me just pretend I’m not a cheap local person to be seen in River Road even in album form. Hmmmm, this piracy looks like the best excuse."
"Who killed JM? Who were the people in the car that drove him deeper into the Ngon'g Forest? And why did they pick him up?"
This is a classic of all 'Investigative Documentaries.' in Kenya, all TV station field reporters especially NTV news reporter Robert Nagila/Dennis Onsarigo, when giving what he thinks is a great break through. Beware of this when you see it displayed across the TV screen in white letters on a red background by the graphics department, with Nagila-like voice asking in the background its various forms; all beginning with: Who? What? or Why? e.g. Why didn't the police arrest Kimunya? Who really bought the Grand Regecny? Aw puhlease! It is the viewers that ought to ask these questions, they watch TV looking for these questions to be answered not to have themselves intruded into a quiz session, like those text-to-win an Ipod or similar gadget. When you see this, it really means; "Er…sorry guys, I thought this was a great story and I jumped on it, promising the bosses 'Kenya's most investigative' story. Then I spent more time discussing what station had the sexiest newscaster, between KTN, NTV, Citizen and K24 than on the assignment. The deadline came and when I looked at what I had, it was nothing more than general knowledge gleaned from copies of old newspapers in the Library. So I asked a few questions to a few people in the cafe downstairs, pieced the story together very fast and brought it to you. This is why you get that Eldoret Express feeling when you watch it, like you were riding that dusty diversion on the Nakuru Highway.
Quick thinking, me, I had to ask the audience the same questions they wanted answered, but which I couldn't answer". Documentary and investigative news take serious research, stupid. Have you ever seen CNN or Al Jazeera asking; "The question is, who then is that girl that visited the Oval Office behind Hillary's back? Well, that remains a mystery that only time will tell, I am Robert Nagila…." Or "And the question many are asking is this? Is Maina Njenga still the head of the Mungiki? and if so why? Dennis Onsarigo, Senior Investigative Reporter, reporting for..."
"Our sources have confirmed that... ."
Another classic Kenyan TV reporter's tactic. If you don't see an image of a person talking with the face blurred out to prevent identification, and instead see the reporter in a neatly ironed suit standing outside Kenyatta Avenue, Norfolk Hotel or Kimathi Street with cars buzzing past behind him or people craning their necks into the shot, then the reporter actually means; "Hey, Kenya, this is another one where I haven't done much research and have not talked to anyone. But since I was created with an imaginative brain, similar to the one that makes Nairobi City Council invent ghost workers and pay them, si I can invent a ghost informer and quote them as 'sources that didn't want to be seen on camera?" That is why you hear lines like "Our sources confirmed to us that Mobitelea is owned by high ranking people in the government. Our source, who didn't want to appear on record due to confidential reasons, also gave us the names of the individual but due to legal reasons we cannot name them on screen. This is Robert Nagila…” Dude, at least you were right on that one, the fear is due to legal reasons. People are bound to sue the hell out of you when your imagination draws their names into scandals. I am yet to see a 'WaterGate ' kind of journalistic piece in Kenya, one that names individuals head on, backed up by solid research and thorough investigation, with evidence that can withstand a challenge in court.
"Sisi ni artist damu, hatufanyi juu ya chapaa, acha wanotaka kuwa mababi watafute pesa hiyo yao sio art no tama ya pesa."
Mostly said in a drawling, deep voice that is meant to sound incredibly philosophical but on closer contact you can detect whiffs of some weed mixed with spirits not of the holy type. Usually directed at a musician, rapper, painter, stage actor, drummer, dancer,carver, etc.who is fifty metres away and is recently sporting a new pair of jeans after years of sitting on the National Theatre steps in the same Savco jeans. Mostly by his/her former associates. Aw puhlease…is being artistic authenticated only by the ramblings of hunger and poverty of its practitioners? Can’t a miro make a hundred bob in peace? What it really means is "Kalituacha hapa tukisengenya wadhii, kaka anza ku imba /chonga /chora/cheza /andika /piga ngoma seriously na kuhustle mpaka kakaweza kubuy jeans na sasa kananunua ndae, na sisi bado tuko vile vile tunasengenyana badala ya kutengeza art works!" If art means staying hungry, then I will never be right.
"Sisi ni underground hiphop, yaani sisi ni oriji."
This is a major one for rappers and hip hop wannabes who can't speak fast to the rhythm of a beat (rap), produce a variety of pitches to some instrument (sing) or make a radio DJ put a rounded disc into a player in the station for public hearing (hustle). And since antagonism is mistaken to be the core differentiatng trait of hip-hop (right to the instrumentation-the beats clash and quarrel and thump and bump), most pitiful genge musicians use this line to explain why their music has never been heard past the bedroom they share between twenty of them. What it really means is; "Everyone seems to be repelled by our music. We really want one day to be heard on Radio/TV but we are stuck up in our own egos we don't do market research to see what can at least be palatable to the audiences. And so we call ourselves underground and hate those who are heard on Radio.” Oh yeah! Underground must have something to do with your Discman which you place under your bed and listen to your single on your Demo CD and think you are the greatest. How come most of the underground rappers are heard on Major TV and Radio stations world wide? Like Ded Prez? Blak Sunshine? And even Ukoo Flani Mau Mau? Underground is about the thematic content and attitude in the music, not about whether someone is played on radio/TV or not.
"I am an abstract painter."
A great one for painters when you look at their paintings and you ask them if they are hanging out their canvas to dry after a shelf-load of paints of various colours accidentally fell on them. How come they themselves cant explain that their paintings are about? Isn't an "abstract" painting by Mark Rothko or Jackson Pollock appreciable? It's like a poet scattering alphabetical words all over a paper and calling it a poem. Very few Kenyan Abstract painters have artistic flair, e.g Kyalo. When the majority of them pull this line on you, what they mean is "Yenyewe I read in a magazine that in order to be seen as great you need to do abstract painting but the very notion is so abstract to me so I just doodle and claim its art. By the way what really is abstract painting?"
"I am an artiste bwana! Not an accountant."
The worst line, affects all artistes. It is used as an excuse for not washing, not keeping time, not dressing well, not living in a decent house, not submitting work on deadline, not combing hair, having dirty dreadlocks, not paying bills, etc. What it really means is "I am hopeless at doing things that require even an iota of seriousness."
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