It's funny how sometimes you think that you know the cause of a problem only to later realise that you really have had no clue all along and that you've been fighting the wrong demons.
For the first time in a long while, I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of despair, anger and as much as I hated to admit it to myself, an acute sense of desperation. After spending hours crying and beating myself up over the sorry state that is now my life, I finally figured out what the problem was. It was me.
A few months ago, you asked me to forgive you for the pain that you had put me through and I did. Or at least that's what I told myself. I felt that I could now start a new life. One that had some semblance of joy and success...any success - I really wasn't in a position to be fussy about anything really. Typically though, that plan failed miserably. Close to two years down the line I'm sad and overweight dealing with greater esteem issues than I can ever remember having.
Every time I think I have found some measure of happiness, I find myself in the same empty place that I have become so accustomed to. I cry for days on end, convince myself it's ‘that time of the month' then move on until the next time. I finally gathered the courage to be honest with myself and accepted what the doctors have been telling me for months now -I am clinically depressed.
By now you're asking yourself what the *#?@ does this have to do with me? Those are your problems. Well sadly for me, this has everything to do with you! When I met you, I believed that all the waiting, the rejection and my feelings of inadequacy were over. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful, like I was worth something, like I was a person worth loving. I became one of those annoyingly happy people that constantly have a grin on their face like a Cheshire cat. I wanted that feeling to last forever and maybe I'm naive but I actually believed it would - or at least as close to forever as humanly possible.
So when it all came crumbling down I couldn't bring myself to let go. I held on for dear life because I couldn't go back to what I was before. To hating myself and believing that only an idiot could ever fall in love with me. To knowing that I would never experience what it was to have someone treat me with love and respect.
For the next three years or so, between the two of us, we managed to ensure I had no self esteem, self worth or self respect left. I learnt that intercourse was the only thing I had to offer you that you actually wanted albeit on your terms. So I slept with you because for a few minutes, you wanted me like you had made me believe you did when we first met. For a few minutes a week, I felt wanted. For me that was better than nothing.
Having said that, I can't say I fully blame you for what happened. I allowed you to walk all over me. I learnt that a relationship for me was one where I gave everything and received nothing. Last year I was so adamant to prove to myself that I was over you and that I'd forgiven you that I slept around in a bid to find someone that would make me feel wanted. Needles to say that was another plan that did not achieve the desired result.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this - Maybe I believe I'll get some closure I don't really know. What I do know is that you hurt me in ways I never thought possible. Treated me with the least possible amount of respect any human being should be subjected to. You stripped me of all the self worth and self esteem I had worked years to gain.
It says in the Bible that the truth shall set you free. Well the truth in this case is that I never really forgave you. I desperately wanted to. I needed to show the world that I'm not pathetic. Moreover, my friends were tired of hearing me go on and on about how much I loved and missed you. They were tired of me feeling sorry for myself. Besides, it can't really be that hard to forgive, forget and move on. I guess I battled with the forgiveness thing because I never really processed the extent of the pain you caused me. Every so often I'll think of us and not know whether to laugh or cry. I don't know what part of our interaction with each other was true and what was a lie.
I try to pretend it doesn't matter. That as long as I believe it was true, that's all that matters. What a crock. I want so badly to have good memories of the years we spent together but every time I think of you, I realise that you never gave me anything. I have nothing to show for the time that we spent together and I'm not talking material things (not that there were any of those either). Memories, well you nullified the good ones with your constant lies and malicious actions. So all I have to remember you by are the scars that I carry from our relationship and the child that I had to get rid of.
I appreciate that, for you, being with me was o't easy especially with the depression, the suicidal tendencies and the tantrums and I am truly sorry for putting you through that. I hope you can forgive me for that. However, none of that even remotely justifies your insensitive and cruel actions towards me. I never did anything to deserve your malice. All I ever wanted to do was love you. I'm sorry you felt the need to punish me so severely for that.
I guess I'm writing this to say that I'm sorry and that I forgive you.
- I forgive you for making me feel like all my worth is between my legs and that beyond that I have nothing to offer any man.
- I forgive you for not offering me a bed or even a couch when I had nowhere to go and no place to sleep.
- I forgive you for making me go through the termination on my own.
- I forgive you for trying to have sex with me the day after I had the termination.
- I forgive you for cheating on me, sleeping around on me or whatever PC term you choose to use to describe your actions.
- I forgive you for every lie you told me about your situation, your feelings for me and/or your circumstances at any given time.
- I forgive you for taking advantage of me and using me to get money and other material things whenever you wanted.
- I forgive you for lying to me that any of it ever mattered.
- I forgive you for being a coward
I do also want to say Thank you. Thank you for those few instances when I truly believed you had genuine feelings for me. I need you to know that I never loved you because I was disillusioned that you are perfect. I knew that you had your weaknesses and your skeletons but I loved you in spite of them. I don't believe that love is blind. Love accepts you as you are warts and all and I was more than willing to do that. I believed that you had more good in you than bad. I've always believed that and I always will.
Ultimately though, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing you to have so much control over what I do and who I am that I forgot how to function without you. It is now finally over. I have my closure at last. Do you?
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'I have a maker. He made my heart.Even before life began. My life was in his hands'
'He knows my name.He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls.And hears me when i call'
'I have a loving father he calls me His own.He says he will never leave me no matter where i go'
You have a real father and a brother.