I'm not even surprised. I've been here before. The butterfly-tummy-knotted-heart-beating-fast feeling that is a cocktail of fear, excitement, desire, caution, plain stupid, daring and absolutely wonderful
just-about-to-fall-in-love-but-will-definitely-sabotage-it-all state.
I try to pretend that he does not bother me; that's the only way I know of how to get through the days. But he does bother me.
He is my best friend's cousin's brother. Something like that. The main thing is, I keep bumping into him everywhere I go. And every time I bump into him, and he flirts outrageously, expecting me to understand
that it's just flirting; I respond with even more outrageously insane teasing that he pauses, pauses suspended in the air, for just a moment, as though lost for words, and right there, right then, my heart skips two beats, my knees go weak, and I know; I know I have been here before.
No, this time, I am not even thinking about values, am I? I am a teenager, like I was back then, when it hit me so hard I was left wondering if anyone ever survived falling in love. Knowing it would be bad for me but daring to anyway. I know now; like I did back then that I was not ready for commitment, at least not the long time kind. Now, I am not sure, maybe I am still not ready, but the issue might be more towards him, him that shakes my destiny, does he…does he care to consider long term with me?
Well, here I go, all fluttery, jumping guns (what does that mean anyway). Brrrr…I smile even on really cold mornings because I remember yesterday's playful call. What's with men and calling me names borrowed from the Cat Family? Is it even funny anymore? Cheetah just sounds…well, I giggled, didn't I? Yep, its all muddled up upstairs,isn't it?
What then, when he pauses in mid air tomorrow; as I tease him, shall I pause too, and then tell him I am serious? Am I?
What about the next day? When I wake up next to him and I can't figure out why I am with him; when I hate everything about him including the cocky raised brow, the deep deep eyes, the well developed packs and even his shiny new Jaguar.
So today when he pauses, and my heart misses a beat, then two; I'll smile and reach up to touch his cheek. I am in so much trouble now. He pauses twice; almost rowns as though to ask 'what now?' I'm having lunch with him tomorrow.
I know what is likely to happen. I know me. I might really like him. If I do, then I'll get really terrified and start looking for reason why we should not be together. If he is smart he will run. But maybe he will be the one who dares call me up on my sabotage game. Then I will really be in trouble won't I?
I've been here before. I'm not surprised really. I ran away last time, too. But we are both older now. So why does it still fell like déjà vu?
|
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/Hide comments
Show/Hide comment form
