...
written by munaks , May 14, 2007

haha what u did was fantastic, they deserve it, these kind of guys are opportunists. not all guys are like this btw :p am a guy too and i know how to be a gentleman i dont let my gf to pay anything for me, its not abt pride, as long as i can provide for us, i think am okie with that. its on her part if she ever wants to pay for me remember, we are a couple, we work as a team

Kudos
written by aeichener , May 14, 2007

Excellent article, Charity, lovely written! Will comment shortly in more detail.

Great!
written by sweety , May 14, 2007

What you did was very great. They dont even have respect of themselves.The worst part is that he came with three other men. Grow up men!!

Parasites...
written by aeichener , May 14, 2007

The "flashing" mania is really appallingly bad behaviour, regardless who does it. It is actually but begging in disguise.

As to the four leeching oafs in question (definitely not gentlemen), they have apparently quickly adopted a behaviour that Kenyan men have previously lamented about, calling it a female vice. But reckless parasitism is a vice not limited to any gender. Neither women nor men are bound to accept the uninvited presence of additional parasites. If they want to join, it is your decision whether they are welcome at all (though it can be advisable to take a friend with you on a first date), and they certainly do not have the faintest right to presume that anybody would pay their bill.

Myself, I was in a similar situation when an acquaintance whom we had invited to dine with us in the Nairobi Tamarind, showed up with her friend / business partner. Both ladies (correct term here) were charming, so I agreed, and indeed none was unduly greedy. The bill was a a multiple of what you quote, but you know the Tamarind's prices. The point is that it was my decision whether to accept an additional guest or not. I was not sorry about it (our new guest was intelligent and amusing, quite as you remarked with regard to your own guests, and she made the meal a very nice and entertaining experience).

A further point: when there are significant income differences between two person, it is only considerate and - depending upon your gender - either gentlemanly or ladylike to take care of the consequence. Splitting bills was not common in the past, but increasingly gains favour in our days (there are other countries where it is the expected rule, there sometimes going to ridiculous pedantry in the other extreme).

What is annoying on the Kenyan side of things, is rather the following scenario: a person (previously presumed gentleman) asks you out for dinner, maybe he is just an acquaintance, maybe he is a business contact. Since you have nothing better to do (and since you anyhow wanted to try out this new joint), you agree. He presumes quite self-understood that he will pay the dinner and the wine, and does proceed to do you. Fine so far. While you, as an independent woman, would certainly have been able (and hopefully also willing!) to pay for your nutrition, you also feel that one who invites usually also foots the bill, unless indicated differently before (usually indicated by a non-committal wording like: "Why don't we all go out together and call it a night? Would someone here propose a nice restaurant which we all would enjoy, maybe?".
Unfortunately, the "gentleman" turns out to be none, because he expects - again, quite self-understood and presumptuously - that *you* be the included dessert, since he has already paid for you and you have to spent and expend quite a bit of time and effort (and all of your previously elated mood rapidly drops to freezing level) that paying for your meal and your charming presence does not include getting you naked on a platter, as finishing course. Male expectations... *Sigh*

Alexander

your place or mine?
written by Penny watcher , May 14, 2007

The pendulum swings the other way and now the folk don't like it.

How many times do we hear the ladies complain that they are not treated as equals by their men-folk. The call for equal rights is ringing everywhere as women assert their independence but no sooner has this happened when they cry Oh how they miss the good old days when gentlemen knew how to treat ladies.

I have no patience with this double edged logic. If I can pay for her and her mates, well so can she! Women must expect and be prepared for equality in all its forms.

You see I am a firm believer in the words of the Duke of Edinburgh, the quintessential "kept man" who once observed.."If you see a man hold the car door open for his wife, it is either a new car or a new wife...."

Chivalry?
written by aeichener , May 14, 2007

It is true that in historical perspective, chivalry (because it is chivalrous behaviour which Charity somewhat wistfully addresses in the opening paragraph of her fine article) was blossoming on a soil that was otherwise quite hostile to women. In a certain sense, such gender roles and "gentleman behaviour" were meant to make up for the - universally accepted - fact that women were rightless.

However, proclaiming equal rights does not mean that all courtesy and respect needs to go out of the window.

good manners
written by Jayawardene , May 14, 2007

I fail to see how penny watcher can justify the mean behaviour that Charity was exposed to by this amazing quartet by using an equality argument.

This appalling behaviour has nothing to do with equality. It is a simple case of parasitism (as Alex accurately details) and bad manners. Good manners is a resource that is dwindling faster than fossil fuel.

re: Parasites...
written by charity , May 14, 2007

Unfortunately, the "gentleman" turns out to be none, because he expects - again, quite self-understood and presumptuously - that *you* be the included dessert, since he has already paid for you and you have to spent and expend quite a bit of time and effort (and all of your previously elated mood rapidly drops to freezing level) that paying for your meal and your charming presence does not include getting you naked on a platter, as finishing course. Male expectations... *Sigh*

Alexander

I agree! And for those of who who think that a lady (myself specifically) who accepts a date with you must end up getting naked! think again! you would be in for a rude shock!

gentlemen my foot
written by Marilyn , May 14, 2007

I think Charity has a heart of gold and deserves better than that. Had it been me... the four amigos would never have tried that stunt again.

I am also irritated by men who flash me so that we can chat on my time. If you want to chat, organise yourself. I am a busy girl and I have absolutely no time for opportunists.

Most of these young men remind me of Nikolai Gogol's Government Inspector.....

...
written by charity , May 14, 2007

I agree with Jayawardene, Penny's justification about equality is just not right. It is not about equality. I decided to go out on a date with a few men last week (yes, you will definitely get to read about it soon) and some are ok, but none have impressed me yet for the simple fact that they lack good manners.

Have a splendid day everyone and I hope I don't have to call a taxi again for anyone.

...
written by aeichener , May 14, 2007

The decisive word in Charity's comment above, lest she and I be misunderstood, is the negation of the "must".

One course a "lady" can and shall get naked, whenever she so desires.
(If only, to quote the Queen, she thereby does not scare the horses).

Alexander

...
written by lady , May 14, 2007

Modern life has not removed the natural instincts of men and women.

A man's masculinity and attractiveness to women is tied in his income and ability to be a good provider.

No woman wants to be with a man who is not independent and strong. It makes them look weak and helpless and there is nothing more unnattractive for a woman, than a man who looks weak and helpless. This is a primal feeling in all women that will never go away.

...
written by Kamale , May 14, 2007

Perhaps it is Charity who has a wrong choice of male friends!

If the pendulum swung the other way and I find myself - like I did in a chinese restaurant where I invited a lady for lunch and she came along with two other friends (they had to re-arrange the table as the reservation was for only two!!) and the excuse is that the friend just showed up when she was leaving the office to join me and she could not 'just dump her like that'!!! - should I politely ask the other lady to leave?

The problem is all about how people percieve us. Can Kamale afford it if I brought an extra mouth? To arrive at such a view, I must have given her the impression that yes, I can afford it, and two that my character would not bring me to chase away her friend.

But there is the third type of people - the vultures and scavengers. These are the kind where you invite one, they come two or three, order the most expensive item on the menu (forget that they have no idea what they are ordering), then leave the plate barely touched - the food was not very tasty. This lot comes devoid of any friendly or romantic notions, but "eat that ka-man".

Charity would you be guilty of the former or a victim of the latter?

Get real women!!
written by Rwathia , May 14, 2007

I am with Pennywatcher all the way. It is high time you "liberated" women subscribed to the jungle laws. Women have for eons been playing that tired line of - I met this friend on the way & I could not dump her.

So now the coin has been flipped and we have the hordes moaning and groaning that men have become parasites. What cheek!!!

I do suggest that we all dump that chivalry, fairness and such bull crap out of the window. If you women want to play in the dirty rugby game, please don't complain when you get neck-tackled...that so called liberation actually means it's now a no-holds barred game.

And I quote...If you see a man hold the car door open for his wife, it is either a new car or a new wife...how true.

...
written by Honey , May 14, 2007

I dont know about you guys, but I learnt along time ago to ask 'are we going Dutch/Jewish', or say, 'wanna do dinner and a movie, dinner on me, movie on you'.

I dont step out of the house without asking that of whomever am going out with, even with a guy I have dated for 2 years!

Men and Responsibilities
written by Richard Mbuthia , May 15, 2007

Charity, pole sana for that experience. Some men will just never learn how to be a true man. Being a true man involves being ready to take up responsibilities without shying away from them. Facing them head on, is the expression here. My guiding maxim says: “The person who shies at the possibility of increased responsibilities or at the prospect of future uncertainties is hardly worthy of life itself, for life consists of uncertainties, problems and challenges of various types.” A man should be able to live up to such high standards. A true man should be a man of integrity. That is: his word is his bond any time. If he says he will take you out and foot the bill, then, he should live up to that.

Food for thought for men, I included: God extracted the material He used to create Eve from Adam’s side (right under his arm!). This is a spot that is closer to the heart. This goes to emphasize how men should value and take care of women. They should guard them as they would their own hearts and lives.

Charity, Goethe has a word for you: If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is, but if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become that bigger and greater man.

Au revoir!

Girlie men everywhere
written by penny watcher , May 16, 2007

Well said Hon. Rwaithia I am glad to see a real man in da house. Too many menfolk are now tied up with this negativity agenda that makes out that the male is always wrong all the time. They are all becoming too sacred of wimin. They dare not say anything lest it is taken the wrong way.

Let us remind ourselves of the Great Men of the past and their Heroic deeds and let us say no to this soft-soft agenda being proposed by pseudo-liberal voices.

I bet the four heroes who helped the author spend a lovely evening at the restaurant were too polite to leave her on her own.

"Me male, uumph!"
written by editor , May 16, 2007

We just hope that everybody will understand Pennywatcher's ironic parody...

good lesson...know better, do
written by allyne , May 17, 2007

Charity, sorry for that rude experience and behaviour that was totally unwarranted. However, just like one lady mentioned before it does not cost u a dime by trying to protect urself in advance. Going dutch in this respect should have saved you a lot of unnecessary hassle. Next tyme be on your guard and have all the fun without stressing about the aftermath.Life is meant to teach us so we can learn and move on...don't repeat this..it could turn nasty next tyme..