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written by aeichener , February 07, 2008

Hmm. Very evidently influenced by classic Arabic poetry, notably Ibn al-Mu'tazz (one of my favourites, by the way).

Strong beginning, but needs to integrate and exploit the same image also in the second line, otherwise you create a break.

"Infinite gaiety" is weak and sought; "boundless mirth" would have been more powerful.

The last line is a slammer - my compliments !

Alexander

ha?
written by observer , February 07, 2008

How about one in English (see Jane run) for those of us that are poetically challenged?

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written by Cicero , February 07, 2008

Hmmm...quite obscure, i must admit. is the lack of punctuation deliberate? Why have you used the word "amour" as a verb?

re:
written by O. Opiyo , February 07, 2008

Was not Ibn al Mu'tazz strangled on his first night as caliph? A bit of a prophet he was:

"A wonderful night, but so short
I brought it to life, then strangled it."


For the most part Arab poetry intersperced with narrative has no formulae for beginnings or endings so I don't expect it's critical that he integrate the idea though I agree it's a waste of a powerful image.

And the comment about punctuation...seriously?

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written by pYXIS , February 08, 2008

I really appreciate all your comments. I love poetry and am still sprouting. It is humbling for this piece to have even a slightest hint of the great work Ibn al Mutazz.

I do like your suggestion Alexander, but prefer to leave it that way due to desired intent. Same case applies to lack of punctuation. Punctuation, in my opinion, encourages boundaries, sealing emotions in bundles. While this works inarguably in most forms,, in this piece, my hope was that all readers be able to explore their imagination; thus punctuating individually to fit their evoked emotions. Utilizing Amour as a verb was also my attempt to reinforce intent.

I encourage all comments on my other pieces too.

eats, shoots and leaves
written by jayawardene , February 08, 2008

It is a lovely piece of work.I raised my eyes to heaven when I read about using 'armour' as a verb but....

I am with the author on punctuation. Think of your commas and fullstops like the indicators on your car....you can do without them but prepare for an exciting ride.

I read about a restaurant that closed down recently. The notice put up at the door omitted an essential punctuation mark and so it simply read:

THE RESTAURANT IS NOW CLOSED THANKS TO ALL OUR LOYAL CUSTOMERS

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written by Cicero , February 09, 2008

Well, in poetry you can almost do anything you please with the words but there exists a tacit understanding between the poet and the writer that this liberty (poetic license) should not be abused...which i am not implying that this poet did.

i am absolutely ignorant about Arabic poetry and that could be the reason why i seem to be struggling with your piece.

What about the accessibility of one's poetry granted how easily a poem could be a subjective code-speak? should a poet concern him/herself with that?