Times Are Changing
written by That Kenyan Loser , May 11, 2007

Mr. Mbuthia,
I will admit here that I'm one of the men you lash at above. I was in a relationship for -- not two -- five years and did not get married.

Having revealed that, now let me defend my kind against this unfair attack on us.

Nowadays, very few people get into relationships hoping to get married.

With outfits getting skimpier every day and an abundance of fragrances that make one -- man or woman -- go from 0-60 miles/hour in a second, it is hard to think marriage when you run into someone. Lust prevails over logic, my friend.

This strong urge is intensified by the natural tendency of humans to hide their true selves in the first few years of a relationship.

No one -- male or female -- should be compelled to marry just because the relationship has been long. It is this feeling of guilt society heaps on us that is responsible for the decline of the institution of marriage.

In my case, I knew I wasn't ready. I had goals and felt like my partner was not being supportive. She had received a Master's degree by 25 with no obstacles and wanted to have children by age 28. That I had no college degree didn't matter to her. She couldn't understand that it was taking me long to graduate because I was supporting my siblings in Kenya through school.

As the pressure mounted, I had to make one of two choices:
(1) Listen to and honor our friends' and relatives' irrationally argue that ending the relationship would been a waste of five years of her life.

(2) Tell her to move on.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I went with the latter. I'm certain that had I picked the first option, we'd be divorced now with children I couldn't afford to raise.

She is now happily married and her and her family are great friends of mine.

Me? A 32-year-old bachelor, fresh out of graduate school, ready to court a beautiful and intelligent woman and drive her straight to the alter.

re: Times Are Changing
written by charity , May 11, 2007

Richard Mbuthia! I have no words! For that to come out from a man!!??? KUDOS!!! You are my heroe! Finally someone who thinks like I do!!

re: re: Times Are Changing
written by That Kenyan Loser , May 11, 2007

I'm always wary of people who speak for others. I will buy Mbuthia's argument if he was a woman.

...
written by Bosibori , May 12, 2007

That Kenyan Loser,
What you seem to be saying about the poor girl you were seeing for 5 years is 'I JUST NEVER LOVED HER ENOUGH'. Sometimes love is about sacrifice, don't you think that if you really had wanted to marry her you would have married? The kids could have waited as you finish your degree (whatever happened to contraceptives ?)

re:
written by That Kenyan Loser , May 12, 2007

That Kenyan Loser,
What you seem to be saying about the poor girl you were seeing for 5 years is 'I JUST NEVER LOVED HER ENOUGH'. Sometimes love is about sacrifice,don't you think that if you really had wanted to marry her you would have married? The kids could have waited as you finish your degree (whatever happened to contraceptives ?)

Sacrifices only work when both people are willing to make them. How is it love to marry someone only to divorce just because you were not sure?

She is not "the poor girl." As I mentioned above, she is happily married and still a great friend. I've no doubt she'd take my side on this issue.

Did I not say that she wanted kids before she hit 28?

And why do people have to be married anyway to be together?

Good post Ritch
written by Honey , May 12, 2007

I support Kenyan Loser for walking out, although you waited to long, hence wasting the said time. Thank God she moved on.

One thing I have been advised time and again is never to take on a man who has unaccomplished goals. It is naive to say love is compromising. I beleive when it comes to men, some things matter to them. As the woman succeeds-meaning more responsibilities at work place or in whatever she does in this situation, (definitely, she did not intend to be a stay-at-home mom after the said education) the man will begin to feel like a loser.

Some comouflage their feelings pretty well, but for most, they rear their ugly heads.

Talks of the 'he is making it hard for me, he has started drinking too much, he will not even pick the kids from school, he complains that am gone all the timE' are early signs of impeding danger.

Not long ago (March 2007, am certain most of us saw her 'alert' as missing in our living rooms), such a case happened in Michigan. The woman achieved her degree, the man did not finish college.
At 34, the woman had become a high flying executive, jetting across nations, mother of two, the man relegated to Mr. Mom, a role he detested but played along with until he snapped. Over a small disagreement, clobbered his wife to death, chopped her in pieces and scattered her in the backyard.

Some may argue this is rare in an African settings, I dont think so. While they may not be that bizzare, they openly disrespect this women.

On the importance of marriage, Kenyan Loser, it is not just about a woman tying you down, but it also protects your interest incase something happens.

Here is someone who has shared your life for over 10 years, shared children with you, but when an incapaciatting incidence happens, she is not legally allowed to utter a thing about what happens to you. In stead, you 2 year olds or relatives from 4,000 miles away who have no understanding of what happens are called in to pull the plug. See that dilemma? Becomes worse when there is property to share, and maybe you overlooked some paperwork (as we are wont to) and have greedy out-laws. It becomes worse.

Please men, we do not want to marry you because we want tied to our lapels, NO!.

I often think a husband I can only meet 5 -6 times a month would be a perfect deal. I like my time on my own.

Thanks.

Interesting
written by pndiangui , May 14, 2007

Well before we look at who is 'wrong' or 'Right' and even before we go into the 'social mirrors' that the society has so far granted us 'On how treat men', 'on how to treat ladies' , when they do this or that, I think we need to wear some lenses of timeless , natural principles that govern in life regardless.

One to be dishonest like 'men' suggests, will just make your character grow to be this way , even in other 'contracts' or commitments in life excluding relationships, and this will work harder against you down-stream.

As Ghandi said ' life is one indivisible whole' , we can not try to be dishonest on one 'compartment' of our lives and hope to do otherwise in another. As we try to resolve this issue, let's see it as a matter of our 'character' being put on the line , and either way we choose to treat the ladies or men we will reinforce a future dominant behaviour in us. In a world where people are learning of the importance of character over rules let it be the basis of making those decisions. It matters a lot to 'come clean' on your feelings but also the fact that we think 'love' just happens becomes a root cause in most relationships failure. Hollywood has taught us this sort of thing .

I see Love as a 'doing' word , It is more of an act than a feeling, It wont just happen because it was 'felt' 5 years ago, something has do be done day to day to make it be there, it is through doing something for that relationship or acting in ways that show genuine love that we behave ourselves into 'love'.So it is by doing it, and doing it with integrity. so sacrifices and compromises play a significant role here and this mind-set has helped me re-shape what were to be a 'break-up' sometime back.

Partly agree.
written by a guest , May 14, 2007

Right on character today.

Along embracing character strength, it will save ladies lots of heartaches if they knew the following:

1. Very few men under 30 can for sure say they know what they want in a relationship. It is always about what they saw in their mother, and trying to run away from it.

2. 95% of men under 30 have few fulfilled goals, and upto this point, they look for physical joys, period.

3. Dont hang on a man just be cause he made you pregnant. Make sure he is responsible for his share of raising, but look where the love is. I dont believe in the nonsense commonly called 'staying in for the children'.

4. Men mature very slowly, partly because of their inability to utilise both lobes of brain at a time. With a limited speech and readership in the beginning years, do not expect them to mature at your rate.

Hey, it works for me.

works both ways
written by wambani , May 14, 2007

Men and women are both guilty of wasting each others time. So women can stay in relationships while using a man as a stepping stone while some men are in such relationships for as long as it is convenient. In the end we have broken hearted souls wondering where to start because of the wasted years they dedicated to a person who is now enjoying a new life. Though it may not seem practical, I wish people would enter relationships for all the right reasons.

...
written by Men , May 14, 2007

Ladies out there don't be too naive. Men were kind of manufactured differently whereby they can be in love with so many women at the same time. It is just natural that way, trust me(otherwise why would we have so few men and so many extra ladies out there). The fact that a man is in love with you does not necessarily mean that they have fallen in love with you.

It is just like a man taking time to know a lady and then telling her what she wants to hear(which may include economical on facts) but not necessarily what she must know.

What is my point? Sincere relationships will germinate into success stories, while insincere ones will rot and be thrown onto the statistics' shelf. What's more man-woman relationship is just like any everyday project which is bound to fail or succeed. So men, plan and execute a realistic project.

As mentioned above, why would a high school man have a relationship with a postgrad student?

Lets get married
written by pilato , March 02, 2008

I have been against tie the knot for a long time in my short life...But now that I have met the lady of my dreams, I can't think nothing but marriage..this is despite the odd fact that we life in different cities...different time zones and rarely see each other..I love this girl and the only thing that is binding us together is the love of God..We pray for this long distance thing each day of our lives... I am in my mid 20s and she is early 20s.. I want to marry her next year but am still weighing my options...put in mind that I know little about her due to the fact that we are rarely in each other's company..what to do what to do?