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Men and Housework: Why the Tug- of- War ? |
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Written by Richard Mbuthia
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Monday, 07 May 2007 |
Seated on the settee poring over the daily newspaper and occasionally
glancing at the wife, working herself to the bone, is the husband.
Housework, in all honesty, is believed by most husbands (read men) to
be the sole responsibility of women. To many men there is no doubt who should do all the housework, even the daunting chores, come rain come shine – women. Now, what causes most men(husbands) to have an acrimonious attitude when it comes to the issue of helping their wives? I tend to think that African culture has played a major role in inculcating into the minds of men the belief that housework is for women and that they should avoid it like the plague.
The African system of thinking teaches men and women alike that they each have their end of the rope to pull (no interchanging is allowed whatsoever). So in this cocoon of African setting, the African man has little else to do, but to parry every thought or opinion that infringes on what he knows to be true: his cast-iron convictions. Though that be the case, many well meaning men fear what society will think of them if they start helping with housework. Some express the fear that all and sundry will point fingers at their wives accusing them of administering ‘Limbwata’ to their husbands. (Limbwata is kind of a love potion that puts the husband at the wife’s beck and call). Consequently, sincere men, wanting to help out of the love they have for their wives, are barred from doing what they believe they should by the opinionated attitudes of society.
This kind of view, as many men have opined, cannot fit in the mould of current family lifestyles especially in families where the man and woman are both bread winners. Both of them leave for work in the morning and come back in the evening jaded to the bone. If there is no househelp (read maid) then the onus of undertaking the household chores would be on the two. The argument here is that each is as tired as their mate. So none of them has a better reason to rest while their mate does the work all alone. But even then , there are some pieces of work solely for women, washing of nappies is like a no-go zone to men who do help their wives. They say, “All others,but not that one, dear. Please bear with me.”
Some women I talked to about this issue really felt humbled by the fact that their husbands had the ‘guts’ to forsake their ‘rights’ as men and find it in themselves to help in the kitchen or elsewhere around the house.
As one put it, “My husband is such a sweet guy; he finds it in himself to help me at home. He even offers to make us a meal, more often than not."
"I cherish those times. I love him the more for this.”
Yet another one, whose husband thinks it taboo to help her at home, lamented, “To say the truth, I feel as if my husband does not care about me. Though he loves me I would feel more ensconced in his love if he did help me.”
One of them sincerely felt that though men should help with housework the help rendered should not be too much, just light work would do. The converse of this would be true if the wife is sick or pregnant. At such times the husband’s dignity is on the line : How does he care for his wife at such times that she needs him most?
Apart from relieving the wife of arduous chores, helping the wife also has a positive effect on the husband – wife relationship. Their well of love bubbles and runs over the brim. They are unified in their purpose and intent.
What is more, when the wife is relieved of some duties she will still be charged with vim and vivacity at the end of the day. This means she’ll not be too enervated for lovemaking. Lovemaking is an involving exercise which needs extra energy, so what better way is there for saving energy than this time – proven method which is dual purpose : saves on energy; unifies the couple. It would be utterly preposterous for the man to expect great lovemaking when his wife has been working herself to the bone throughout the day.
The ‘help-your-wife’ program is a passively opposed notion in present day society. Some men have decided to extricate themselves from the grips of ‘societal’ beliefs and have taken the mantle on their shoulders. They have decided to be true to their convictions.
There are some men, however, who will share housework with their wives. One such man, who does help his wife, even with kitchen work, said that he sees it as no big deal. He said that need drove him to help his wife. As both of them (husband and wife) are involved in the economic stability of the home, then all their efforts gravitate towards achieving their set goals. To achieve this, then, they feel it behooves them to bear each other’s burdens ranging from housework to a myriad more. Many of the people who do not believe in the same try to discourage him, but he parries their cynical remarks by this one line, “I am doing what I believe in.” When he was a ‘novice’ in helping his wife he used to do it secretly to avoid a barrage of verbal and emotional outbursts from vitriolic critics of the same. But, he has since outlived his reservations.
It is time men outlived the view that they seem inferior if they bend too ‘low’ and help their wives. Furthermore, great men are viewed by how they treat their wives (i.e how caring they are). Cultural opinions that put limitations on men, dictating to them their areas of influence (especially concerning housework) should be reviewed and, if possible, discarded.
To sum up, as Gelett Burgess says, “If in the last few years you have not discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.”
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 08 May 2007 )
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As to the underlying attitudes, I wonder whether it might be a generational problem. Today, more and more young African men are being raised in a different mindset (I sould hope), even if their own parents still observe traditional role divisions.
My own partner's parents will not even have the women in presence when the wazee eat (and on other hand, it is unthinkable and taboo that a man would enter the kitchen), but their sons (my partner's brothers) have been taught to do every household chore in equal measure with their elder sister (my SO), and they do it cheerfully and without bickiering.