That fateful Saturday afternoon of 23rd March, 2002 remains implanted in my soul for one reason only. It changed the outcome of my high school life. I could have had the best years of my life. Maybe I could just have waited until I was done with high school and then I could have embarked on this journey of self -discovery. But there are some truths in life that determined the course of what happened to me (or us) in 2002. Please do not get me wrong, I do not regret any of what happened, I do wish however that it had all happened with no pain, betrayal, or loneliness. But who am I kidding?

On one hand I had something beautiful happening to me and on the other I was having a hard time dealing with what it meant. I was in love and it was a new kind of love. Was I supposed to be loving her? Was I even allowed to feel like this? My fears were realized sooner than I had needed them to be. Even I was unsure of what I was doing and feeling. My girlfriend was one of the kindest and most loving people I had met in my life. I loved how I felt when I was with her and this made up for whatever doubts or self-hate that I was beginning to harbor.

My girlfriend and I were in the same class (grade). I should have known all along, but it took two years for destiny to allow us this chance to really connect. But hers is a story that deserves to be relayed with no conflict. I shall stick with the outing.

We shared a common friend. A close friend. Our friend let us down. Our friend became the person that made this whole gay experience in a Kenyan boarding high school change its course. Between trying to come to terms with the love we had for each other, and guilt creeping up on me in a way I wasn't expecting, I chose to share this secret love with our friend. I shared every detail of what made that relationship work and what made me doubt myself. I trusted her, and I believed she wanted to help. At no point did she make me feel like I was doing anything wrong. She listened as though she understood what it was like to live as a lesbian, as though she was not condemning me at all. She was almost tolerant even. But that is the thing about history. You cannot change it. I am only saying this because my writing this on some level might seem like I haven't forgiven her.

She had every ammunition. I had handed it to her. Having shared every detail of my love story, it should not have surprised me when we were outed by her. This Saturday afternoon was like any other. I spent most of it in church, or rather, I should have like I normally did. But for some reason I was drawn to spending time with my girlfriend. I wish I remembered what it was we were talking to each other about. Around supper time that day I noticed people whispering as I walked by. Actually whispering and laughing. My paranoia level was very high but I never knew why until they woke me up in the middle of the night telling me that the school matron was calling me to my girlfriend's room. This is the part where I normally get angry. Normally. But I have learned to live with the irony and foolishness of it all. So why were all the girls in the senior block dormitories staring at me through their windows and laughing out loud? Did no one even have the nerve to come face me and say anything that made sense? When I got to my girlfriend's room I found our friend yelling at the top of her lungs about something I could not comprehend.

This girl that I had shared everything about my life with, was exploding in anger about a lie that she was told. It was all a fabrication because the truth is that I had spent the whole day talking to my girlfriend. I am still unsure at what point that had turned into me having sex. The rumour now was that we had been "caught red-handed." But doing what exactly? We had only been talking! Since when was talking to someone forbidden? I know that they wanted to know for sure what it was I had been speaking to my girlfriend about. They wanted to know why that hug had lasted for hours, but I am not sure they wanted to understand.

The following week was a nightmare. I had to deal with the school principal. It was clear to me that they had no room for accommodating someone like me. They told me the only reason they were not expelling me from that school was because they had already registered me for the national exam. But to make their point clear. They were going to relieve me of my duties as a prefect. I had not lived up to their expectations, and they could not trust me to handle my duties well enough. I have never understood how my love for this woman was going to hinder me from performing as a prefect. The church choir had in previous weeks of the circulating rumours suspended me indefinitely. I only regret that one of my best friends was also suspended for no reason at all. She was suspended for associating with me. I was also not allowed to be in the same room with my girlfriend by myself. If we needed to see each other we could not be by ourselves. I lost a lot of friends around that time. This however allowed me to know who my true friends were. They are the friends who stuck with me through it all and only came to learn of the relationship after I graduated. I had not wanted to come out at the time. I wasn't ready. No one wanted to be associated with a lesbian for fear of being falsely labelled as one or for being converted. Foolish reasoning if you ask me!

As far as I was concerned there was nothing wrong with me. Sometimes when I look at how we have all changed now. I am not sure I understand their motive. These were friends of ours who could have just come to us first instead of taking matters into their own hands. I know I only speak of one friend but it was a group of them that decided it was time to report us to the school's administration. I wish now that I had more conviction then and believed in myself because I sure would have stood up for myself. Each and everyone that was involved at the time has come and apologized to me. All has been forgiven. Nothing good came out of it. Except maybe that now I was outed there was no reason for me to remain closeted.

I am at a different place in my life now. I am at peace with my life. I am comfortably living as an out lesbian. I have little regrets of this direction of life. It is sometimes painful and people have lots to say to me about my life. I am happy though for being true and honest to myself.

This is the first of a series on Eva's journey as a Kenyan lesbian.