In the front row was my cousin Ted, in choir uniform! I stood in awe as he approached the front with the rest to lead the choir. Then a flashback hits me! This is the same cousin whom last week I met in a bar in Mombasa, very drunk with a group of football players harassing women. Two days ago Ted came home with Lucy whom he introduced to me as his girlfriend. They spent the night at my place and left the next morning. As he closed his eyes, so engulfed in Holiness and his hands in the air, I asked myself if what I was seeing was real. Suddenly Ted spots me, I could see the embarrassment in his face, but I ignored him and sang along.
In the middle to my
right was Maria, a friend of mine that I witnessed embarrassing a
young gentleman at her restaurant for not paying a kshs 50 bill. She
was at the verge of calling the police when the young gentleman was
rescued by a well-wisher who paid that money for him.
Then I met Tom! I could
have fainted! But for once I believe there was someone up there
watching over me. I almost cried as I witnessed him hold this lady in
his arms for almost the whole service. Then the announcement! The
pastor mentions a wedding date set for one of the ‘elders'
of the church Tom and his fiancée Anne. He also mentions
something about the fact there will be a grace period of a month so
that if there is anyone against the wedding they should come forward.
Deep down inside me I felt like embarrassing him but yet again, I
felt like it was not worth it, for this is the man whom I loved and
until this morning, didn't know that he was either church
elder or getting married. What's ironic is that I have been to
his house almost every other day and he mentioned nothing.
I thought that the biggest blow was over until my parents walked in. I had not seen them in over a year until today. They seemed to be acknowledged by everyone and in one announcement after another their name was mentioned for some generous donation for a good cause. My tears could not be held back anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own home town. My parents threw me out of home when I first told them I was pregnant and that the man responsible would not take any liability. My daughter is now a year and eight months. No word from mum or dad. But I would pay to see the expression on their faces when they finally noticed me. Upon giving birth I sought this same Church to baptize my daughter Jane. They could not do it because I was a single mother and was not married. Furthermore I got sarcastic comments from a few elders in the Church and when I realized that I was unwanted by the Church members, I stayed away from Church till today.
I now became the centre
of attention of when the pastor asked me among other ‘first
timers' to introduce myself. I was honored to be the last one
to introduce myself. And for the first time in the service, after I
mentioned my first name only and introduced my daughter, the service
held what I call ‘a minute of silence'. That was broken
by the pastor who heartily said, ‘Lets give all our visitors an
applaud'. That was my queue to walk out of the church.
It is now midnight. I
expected a phone call or visit from my parents whom I had met
earlier. But still no word. Tomorrow is another day; I comfort myself
in tears, crying my heart out, as I lay myself next to Jane who is
peacefully sound asleep.
We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect, but even after an attempt to be a ‘good Christian' once again, after all what I witnessed today, I would rather stay and pray at home than go back to Church and witness what I did. After all, I survived it all. I have a great job, my own house, car, I have it all, and no one but the God that lives in heart helped me through it all. And May God Bless you all, including the sinners like myself.
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I admire your courage.
You are not alone. I have been away from the church for more than 10 years. (The few times girls I try to court demand that I accompany them to the Lord's House do not count).
I have never been more at peace with myself since I quit. The kind of hypocrisy you describe above was instrumental.
For a long time I doubted if I was making the right decision. (You will too). But once you go beyond the fear the shepherd's assistants propagate to the flock, it becomes easier. (As a child I was told that sinners would burn in hell, with each finger blazing for 1,000 years).
Crying, I did myself. Resentment from family and friends still lingers over me.
Last year I returned home from U.S.A and told a relative who tried to pull that sinner crap on me that he was a hypocrite. I openly provided him with evidence he couldn't rebut. That has shut many of them up.
Stay strong and good luck.