Imagine Blogs

When I officially get to be classified as a cranky old (not elderly, not older, and certainly not advanced in years) man, I also want to be declared wise. There are a growing number of old people who are not wise, I finally uncovered the conspiracy behind this: hearing aids. I'm not saying that these technological wonders come with a cancerous side effect. Nor am I saying that they emit radioactive waves, which interfere with brain waves. Both cases may be true, but they would only affect intelligence and not wisdom. The problem they create lies in the actual process of hearing, which radically affects the acquisition of wisdom. That money is being spent to come up with better devices, some of which try to look cool by resembling bluetooths/blueteeth, leads me to believe that the dumb are trying to pull the wise down to their level.

Being old means you get some God-mandated (stamped by God, approved for human0 peace and quiet. This gives you time to reflect and pay more attention to the voices in your head, which have suffered many years of being ignored. You get to filter out all the endless, mindless drivel, which many mistake for conversation. Every once in a while you'll hear something half decent, comment on it, and go back to ignoring everyone. Or you'll hear something so retarded that you'll be forced to make a comment on it. Someone will somehow catch the simple statement, overanalyze it, make a conclusion, and marvel at your wisdom. Whether the statement makes sense or not, someone will feel obligated to get a meaning out of it because you were compelled to say something.

Try this at home. Next time your friends are engrossed in an argument as to what type of dog Obama should get, cut in and say, “Hitler loved dogs and Mussolini loved cats.” I don't know what that means, but it'll get them to pause for a minute.

Am I saying that hearing is inversely proportional to wisdom? Yes. So are deaf people the wisest? The data is inconclusive. Why? Because no-one knows what they're saying anyway. And, not to be glib, you never heard of a deaf man who became governor. Is there an ulterior motive to writing this? Yes. What? What? What? Huh? I SAID WHAT IS THE ULTERIOR MOTIVE? I don't want to be the only cranky old asshole without hearing aids.