Imagine Blogs

So the English is a little backward, grammar is interesting and lots of Kenyan expressions in different Kenyan languages, couple cuss words (expressing my anger and embarrassment etc) but not meant as an offense or disrespect just true honest sentiments.

I am not sure how all this began (THE BLOG) but I think I had reconnected with many of my high school friends on facebook, and before you know it I had typed out encyclopedias about my TRUE & VERY HONEST high school experiences. This particular one on Kenya Imagine was a compiled for a special friend of mine who figured she would rather skip the club and die laughing at my painful and very traumatizing experiences back in Kenya. Great friends I have huh?

Its a long blog so take your time, make sure U are in a well aired room- Trust me, my ridiculous high school experience happens to be the one topic that brings out the hysterical laughter out of my friends.

Blog originally started January 2008 (facebook).

First posted on Kenya Imagine September 30th 2008.

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:43pm January

You know one time we had gone for one of those "funkies" lakini we had gone to this super-shady school, gosh what was its name (Boys school) they were always on strike like every 2 days...damnit!!! What is the name of that school? Starts with an M or K something...oh well!!

Anywhoo, si this dude had vibed on trying to show his mating skills to me like whoah! I didnt have the guts to tell him that he had the biggest chunk of Sukuma wiki on his meno, so am just there trying to ignore his arse, then I look up and the Muggz bus is driving away leaving me behind right?

So am like ish!! Then I start panicking (you'd think that if I didn't like the sukuma wiki toothed guy Id have been waiting in the bus right!!) dont ask me why, so Kamotho (yellow teeth) is staring at me waving bye bye!! in the bus leaving me behind.

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:52pm January

Si the whole day I had been feelangaing 100% sukari coz we were in this super shady ass boys school, and am feeling like (am above this!!! Ya heard!! lol!) Lakini in a split second, I grabbed the hem of my skirt (u know how sagging was so in back then right? You just had to have that skirt below your kitambi and baaaaaaaaas you were the ISH!!) am lifting my huge skirt up in the air (totally forgot to look classy and sophisticated) and started flying after the gadamn school bus.



The hell, si the boys (Oh gosh!! I just remembered the name of the Boys school and I refuse to divulge, Lord am so embarrased!!) the boys all noticed that I was running after the bus with my balooning skirt following me a couple of miles behind me.

I surprised my self with my sprinting skills yani, especially given the fact that I am nothing close to those olympic athletes... if Id have attempted to race a cheetah, U best believe it Id have won a couple gold medals or something hands down... given the circumstance Puh- leeze cheetahs had nothing on me!!! So anyway, the boyz (all a thousand and nine of them) started cheering away like thats the best thing they ever saw!! So am there thinking;

"Should I ran na Maringo (CLASSY & DAINTY–– like am picking pink flowers from the garden.)"

AMA

"Should I just run like a dude/man (FREE STLYLE RUNNING––  Possibly lifting my skirt all the way up above my waist to give my legs more room to sprint...lol!!)"

Kamotho is evil yani, ati he'd tell the bus driver to slow down alafu Id breath a sigh of relief and attempt to dive into the bus, lakini then he'd tell the driver to speed off kabla I landed into the bus wajamani... ASHINDWE PEPO MBAYA HIYO PEPO NYEUSI!!!!

(Hmmm... now coming to think about it, the sun had set and it was really dark so maybe he saw me and assumed I was one of the BOYS!!! Nah... he knew it was me, he always liked torturing people like that. I know this because he told the bus driver to drive fast enough just so I was jogging like a damn zebra but slow enough for him to kick back, relax and watch me skip along after the bus.

Kamotho had the back door open (na huko nyuma) and he was there just blatantly watching me hyper-ventilate after the school bus... all he needed was popcorn to complete this movie watching scenario of 'LO GONE WILD.') 

So picture my ki tall skinny self sprinting at 100mph, then attempting to dive into the bus, only to miss the bus making me hop up into the air like the tu Maasai high jumps!!! Then repeating that about 4- 5 times Lord!! How cruel? Plus dont forget that the whole time the tu boys are cheering me on like I am at the olympics or something... I was ready to climb up a tree and hide there for a lifetime I swear.

So Mr yellow teeth had me doing that for a minute before, they slowed down 4 me. This time I jumped up real hard and up into the sky alafu I dove into that bus like an expert yani, everyone was having a field day about it!!! Kamotho was howling so hard!!!

The other students were piled up ontop of each other laughing hysterically at me woiye... I was tempted to give myself a hug and a kiss coz noone offered to bembeleza me. I was not amused, I just couldnt get the friggin JOKE!!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:55pm 

Alafu it gets interesting, we drive down the road for about 5 minutes and come up to this shopping center (its close to KAHUHIA GIRLS) and suddenly there is this commotion outside the bus right? There was like whole group of boys (from another school) who had attended the same funky that we were @ earlier. So these tu boys are yelling at the driver talking about:

"Stop the bus!!! Stop the bus!!!"

Everyone in the bus and out there in the market was trying to figure out wassup with all the noise...lol!! So this dude comes running up the window and he is holding up like 3 envelopes right?? (Ngai!! I am just laughing too much...). The guy hands the 3 envelopes to this Chica and tells and says that its important that the person (who the letters are addressed to) get the tu letters he just handed over. I am there like;

"Ok seriously, that is what caused the commotion??? I mean they didnt have to stop all activities at the market just for 3 tu retarded letters... hala!!"

I was still pissed off after the running thing. So anyway the Chica looks at the tu baruaz and starts cracking up like crazy. So obviously everyone is curious about the 3 envelopes like what the hell is so funny about the letters. Through her laughter she goes;

"Ummm the letters are addressed to..."

(PAUSE)

"Loreen, Loreen and Loreen!!!"

Uuuuuuwwwi Lord, I was mortified I swear. I am there like could it get any worse?? I mean after the running in the dark, we had dudes ambushing the bus with 3 letters addressed to me?? I mean seriously?? WTF????

No like you dont understand ... I almost threw myself out the window wah!!! Kamotho is looking at me with the look in his eyes like that ki song by Gucci Mane- FREAKY GURRRL, that goes;

"She is a very freaky gurrrl, She gets its from her Mamma, First you get her name, then you get her number..."

Truth be told, I am a Super- innocent Mami, am no freak like that I swear!!! Jesu... I didnt even know the tu 3 cartoons who had andikad them letters (from a different High School by the way) Wah!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:57pm (JANUARY 2008)

We got back to school and I was sooooo embarrassed nani, I thought I was never going to get over the trauma of that day for like a lifetime. It paid off though... following week I had like 10 snail mails aka LOVE LETTERS , you know "Youre my only bean in the githeri type letter?" Where people wrote down alien languages to impress each other-

ati MISSIVE ama ni MASSIVE jamani?

(Yall remember in the D.H.) So I had all this love letters from a couple Kirogo dudes who thought I was quite the celebrity some even proposing to me!! The Sukuma wiki toothed dude had written this retarded mail and am not sure whether he realized that one wrong ENGLISH word can change the entire meaning of a love letter... here is what he wrote in that love letter to me:

"You gotten back to school well? You is a beautiful succulent woman that I was so talking with and happy to talking to on the day. I was very DISGUSTED when you have to ran after a school buses and I feelled unhappy that they did that to you, since they is going away from you the driver and you is ran after them...I hope you write back returning letter and declare your undying love to the MAN. I feeling something is there, the heart of the MAN is making me writing this... I will be a friends with you.

Love

Njoroge wa Maina" 

WHAAAAAAAAT????? Sasa, wacheni tu niwaulizange vhane??Mr. Sukuma Teeth says he was "DISGUSTED??" I sorta think he meant that he was sympathizing and felt bad for me when I was running after the bus... lakini?? Nilipigwa na butwaa whuuuat?? LMAO!! Enyewe... hey atleast the dude tried. Well he said it too... HE IS THE MAN!! lol!! 

 I never went back to that school, I was so traumatized by that experience...I was even called into the teacher's office by Mr. (the quiet weird teacher who always talked looking at chicaz chests and not their faces...someone remind me his name again!!!) The guy started telling me that, I shoudnt go into the Boys Dorms blah! blah! blah!! Am thinking WTF is he talking about??? Besides this teacher always insisted on referring to me as CORNELIUS...he was a CHEM instructor...anyone remember him? Rozzy uko wapi...am sure u know his name lol!!

MR KAMAU was his name that freakazoid!!!!  he never did get past the chest area of students, its like he was getting hypnotized by the young maperas that came in plenty for him in Chem lab...ROFLMAO!!

Everytime he talked, he was always whispering to himself so low and looking down at the meza, and everyone was just like "HUH??" The only thing that comprehend his lecture was the SHIRT he had on coz its like he was having conversations with it... ROFLMAO!!

Dude insisted on calling my ass ati 'CORNELIUS' and I always corrected him by saying:

"No, its LOREEN NYAMBOK..." and Mburu wa Matumbi (Mr Kamani) just carries on like I didnt even say anything talking about,



"Now, now, now, now... CORNELIUS, you should be more careful when in a boys school blah blah blah..."



Alafu he pronounced it as "KORRR-NEEE-LEE-USSS"  WTF??? The whole time his gololi eyes are upon my chest like I had a Christmas gift for him on my chest. That name got on my gadamn nerves yani, sounded like some ROMAN EMPEROR or something. What a delusional Jinga type!!!

ati "KORRR-NEEE-LEE-USSS" ...  "KORRR-NEEE-LEE-USSS" ni kuku ama sasa ni akina nani watu wa Mungu jamani??? Labda ni nyanyake... freak!!!

Alafu its true people called him MBURU WA MATUMBI coz he had kukuz living with him in the house, and always reeked like kuku 24-7!!! 

Needless to say I didnt take the Kirogo saga too kindly because I had to compromise my sophisticated and classy ways to run like a retarded horse for the bus!! Am still mad about that too!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 12:41pm (JANUARY 2008)

BTW Nyix mentioned somewhere (cant keep up with all this multiple notes lol!!) Anyway Nyix was talking about how our pano was to stand on the desk (am talking on top of that mofo) on one leg and spread your wings out (like u believe u can fly right?).



So this one time we had some funky (cant remember what/which) si my classroom was directly by "washing area", so u know how they had us females on lockdown for 3 months bila seeing the dudes, ati they kept the thermostat regulated by pouring parrafin in our githeri just to make sure u were not experiencing some OH- SO natural feelings/changes...whatever!!



Anyhoo, I totally digressed here...my point is, when we had the funkies, LODAVMERCAY!!!! Chicaz would be running around trying to apply eye pencil without looking like you used any. (C I dunno how I survived on vaseline, powder and one really old/worn out eye pencil- yall had them dont jifanya!!!)

Lo Nyambok wrote at 12:48pm

So this particular day, we were told that we were not going to be a part of whatever was going on, in the big hall (Drama or some ish like that, cant remember). So we were all depressed in class cursing whoever, then suddenly our prayers were answered 4 reall yall!!


The guys came up to the "washing area" to (wink wink) drink some water!! So, I kumbuka we were learning swa with Ms Muhia.

(THE SAME TEACHER WHO MADE US RECITE OUR RETARDED ANSWERS ABOUT "MBWA ALIKUNYWA MAZIWA' FROM MY OTHER BLOG HERE ON KENYA IMAGINE CALLED  'I Never Knew That Swahili Can Be So Hilarious!! ).

So Ms Muhia is still going on talking about: 

"Wanafunzi, katika lugha ya Kiswahili Kuna ngerri (NGELI) ya KUFANYA, KUFANYA FANYA, KUFANYANA, KUFANYIANA...etc"



Lakini the pheromonal women were not listening to nothing!! So I am craning my neck out the window trying to get the dudes to notice my graceful neck or something. (Well... I had not made up my mind back then- 4 those wondering.)

 The hell!! si Ms Muhia explodes in like 100% pure Meno-pausal anger!! So she goes:



"Loreen!! Eh!! Ni nini unaangalia na uko kwa dirisha??..eh?? Ebu simama upande kwenye deski (whatever!!) na uinuwe mguu moja hewani, na uwekelee mikono mbiguni...!!!"



Lo Nyambok wrote at 12:55pm


Am looking @ her like,

"WHAAAAAT????? Nah Bitch!!! Youve gotta be kiddin me!! Youre touched woman!!! I would rather die than stand up on a desk when jamaaz are staring at me and I have a classy reputation to protect... NO WAY JOSE!!!"

Hey!! Kumbe Ms PMS wasnt playing!!! That psycho woman really wanted me to climb up on my desk, lift one leg up in the air and raise my arms up towards heaven... Waaaah!!!

So Mimi and my tall, skinny self...painfully got ontop of that desk for real!! (Nyix plz tell me u feel my pain here)

So am up there on the desk spreading my wings like a butterfly jamani and the dudes outside the classroom window start cracking up. I was mortified nani, like Imma kill her when am done dying of humiliation.



Apparently she really meant it that I had to lift one leg in the air (seriously? Was lifting one leg up really that necessary??) and raise both arms up yall!! Hey, am tall and am ontop of a gadamn stupid desk in a skirt!! Am just thinking Woiii I hope this skirt is long enough to keep my Southern Sunshine areas away from anyone's view!!

I then decided I was going to stand ontop of that desk with my chin held high and bila feeling embarrased!! Eh, didnt work...pple dissed me for years on end!! I dont understand how I didnt seek therapy after that hell hole!! Lol!!

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 N. W. (Lowell, MA) wrote at 7:22pm yesterday

OMG....now you kraking me up like krazy Lo. seems you had more fun than i did!demn. for a min i thot i was the only noty gal who had to stand ontop of the godemn lockers!!!what a shame it was for me! you'd see our class way from the fishpond gal. Alafu all the t'as as they go to the staffe and everyone else wud c me! am glad i dint go thru that alone.gal...i feel you on that end. but hold on Lo..did Ms.Muhia kol u Loreen? U sure? Thot she used to ng'oa like ish she musta said ROREEN or LOLEEN either or!!!! be honest.Lmao.

Wonder how we made it thru in kcse.those mofos wud ng'oa like hell.am glad i dint pick on that tabia.lol

Hey... who ever had to ever move from the form1 block to the staff room kneeling?? that was some tight shyt right there! i did!!!! meee. am telling y'all i was full of panos u'd think that was my surname back then.as much as i tried to hepa shida it was right on my ass big time! Shiru dint you ever have to cut grass some place?i know i did c you busy at some spot!

N. W. (Lowell, MA) wrote at 7:29pm yesterday

Dont think you were Holier than Sr.Mary. lol. BTW...funny how i never ended up cleaning the 'CITY SQUARE ' ju that was known as the spot for the spoilt gals. bet you then i dont think i was as bad as i think(or people thot)..kudos to me!!

Idid get enough blisters from the blant pangas. weird how i never had a panga wen we opened skul lakini everytime we had to do panos or the shyt we did i think every friday it was...i had a panga with me! who is missing one?i bet you i would'a ended up with more than enough pangas if i wanted to.was the queen of panos.especially from my own stupid class teacher!i will never forgive that b*. bet you she would toa her frustrations of her leg on me all the time!!!her office was like my second classroom.if am not in class am in her offe for some trouble.poor me!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 9:33pm on February 6th, 2008

Hala!! U never heard about the rumor about me ati I was @ Muhigh bra-less, wriggling away on a table or desk or something, am thinking wtf??? Some student had said;



"Kale ka Loreen kalikuwa kanatoanisha bra, kanajisugua sugua matako kwa desk huko Muranga Boys Highs School..."



LMAO mahaters!! I do wish I had gone bra-less and gyrated on one of the desks or something...its a shame I missed that opportunity, damnit!!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 10:07pm on February 6th, 2008

Actually Nyix I do wish I had absolutely gone nude, and started leaping over buildings and bending over for all to see my "stuff" I was constantly getting accused 4 some imaginary issue and I was getting so pissed off yani!!!

Even this one time, after some Sports funkie something at KIAGOATS, I was accused of going into the boys dorm, and unleashing my panties ati to give them dudes a sniff sniff (I know! I know!! I was far more mortified than you are right now!!!) Yani back then I thought I was gonna die!! Like seriously, now why the hell would be in the Bizz of unleashing my panye and giving them niggaz a whiff of my stuff??? Those SAV-D female teachers totally needed to get laid, they were constantly all up in my cunt talking about my anatomical parts that totally didnt concern them. 

Nowadays I think abt stuff like that and roll on the floor with absolute laughteration!! Imagine me in a KIAGOATS doing that ish!! ROFLMAO!!!! Lakini...

The hell would I do that for??? Am I retarded?? Even if I was high on some cheap crack, why would I make dudes stand in line to sniff my panye, kwani my scent had the FLU VACCINE in it??? Eiiiiish!!

(I feel better now knowing that I wasnt the only victim of absolutely ridiculous speculation. WTF????)

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:54pm

Yani I had totally 4gotten about the shorter dude, Kamotho right? Hahahaha!! I remember he always made us do the road running trip to... ummm

***HOLD ON****

(I am looking around making sure noone will connect my name to this market)

Ok ok KAHURO!! Then he always liked whooping chicaz upon the tanye, personally I think he just loved the wobble and ripple effect that happened on pples SITTING ALLOWANCES aka Tanyez.

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:04pm

Alafu this one time a Chica was getting whooped by Kamotho (Mr. Yellow creepy teeth) and she was going like ;

"Tsss!! Wooii!! Tss! Tss! Wooii Wooii !! Aaah!!! Tss! Tss! Wooii Wooii!! Wooooooiii Mama mama!! Tss! Tss! Wooii Wooii!!! Aaaah!! Aaah!! Wooii Ngai fafa Mwathani!! Tss! Tss!Tss! Tss!"

Then he (MR KAMOTHO) goes;

"WEWEEE!!! Nini hiyo unafanya?? Hiyo sauti ni ya nini? Eh? Wacha hiyo makele ni kama unafanya nini na nani!!!!"


Goodness!!! I was like whaaaaat? Oh No he didnt just say what I think he did, now did he??Bwahahahahahaha!! Tabia mbaya hiyo!!

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(This memories are rolling in now!!) This one night we had a blackout during night preps, and so people are running to the dorms in the pitch black night right? So Nyambura runs out and grabs the nearest person to her coz she was scared of the Boogey Monsters in the dark, so she is hugging all up on this "person", then they got right about my F1 classes and this somebody speaks up ati:

"Hawa ni akina nani wana ni shika shika, TOKA KWA JEEYAH (NJIA)!!"



Turns out it was Maasai (THE WATCHIE), si Nyambura starts screaming murder and caused the entire school to panic and stampede!!

Lo Nyambok wrote at 4:08pm

Kumbe there were pple who were still feeling brave back in class (in the dark),wacha they came running out thinking we were under attack, alafu this chica had 4gotten abt the fish pond that was right in the middle of the class path. This poor soul went running straight into that green, slimy and nasty fish pond. Following day the gal's hair was green and kinky like a matha (U know how precious our blow dried/fried nywelez were...wachanga tu!!!)

So Nyambura tells me the saga the following morning, at the way she was all up on the watchie's arm all the way from F3 classes down to the F1 classes, ati she was wondering why the person she was holding on to felt like they had crocodile skin and smelt of old cheap cigarettes, but she was so scared she figured it didnt matter if the person stank. The minute Watchie opened his mouth and she realzd it was a dude, she almost passed out. I laughed about that 4 years!! Walala!! The hell????

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 10:54pm January 2008

The only dude I remember that was making the girls pass out in sheer ecstacy was the comp instructor who had hips wider than Carey. (dnt remember his name) You know chicaz would go to "washing area" and exfoliate their faces, and apply powder on their faces that would put ghosts to shame.

Coz 1st period after lunch we had class in comp room with Mr Hips ati to learn how to switch on the computer by pressing a magic button with one of your 5 fingers (Or 10 fingers depending on how many arms and fingers you use to type on your keyboard.), Customize screen savers with cool colors and stuff and giving them the tu different effects like flying, shaking crawling, wobbling... by typing your name and watching it perform some magical dance upon the screen... nakuambia and I SAY- maajabu!!!! Then finally learning the process of shutting down the comp.

Ati Mr. Wide Hips goes,

"Ngahozz (Girls) you press the button like this, and scoot your mouse like that, and slap the keyboard namuna huu in order to learn how to type... " I mean seriously???

So every time he leaned over a table to Xplain something, chicaz were having multiple orgasms about it!!

Personally those mutated hips scared the living hell out of me!! Plus the BRUT cologne he had on was totally violating my intimate/personal zone!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 1:05pm on July 1st, 2008

Bwaahahahahha!! Ok facebook needs to have an application where U can record urself laughing just so U can share with other people the howling skills- Yallz Mamiz are my heroes for life.

Ati Madcow- Nyix, kumbe even U were freak upon the tank with Gatere?? Ati U were scared- Ahahahahahaha!!! Then I guess I havent mentioned to yallz the way one time I attempted to crawl to the Tich's compound to iba dhania, tomatoes and onions- coz I had a big ass can of Royco and that ka other spice-curry powder. (WHUUUUAAAT??? I NEEDED TO EAT A CLASSY MEAL from VIKOMBE HIGH SCHOOL CUISINE.)

I wanted 2 make that ka combo that peeps would make sometime of- Kachumbz and spice to add 2 githeri- Eiiiish, na si I kwamad under the singenge halfway across- I tried wriggling free lakini wapi, it was dark & I was scared shitless- but the love for KITUNGU, NYANYA NA KADHALIKA totally won over my FEAR of darkness and all the imaginary monsters that target innocent girls like me... lol!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 1:10pm on July 1st, 2008

Only issue is I had decided 2 go solo and had regrets. I raruad my skirt, panye- my butt cheeks looked like some doggie had mauled it and my nywele was wrapped around the barb wire yani.  

I think I had targeted MR NJOROGE's ka kitchen patch aka shamba, that dude had all sorts of array of mboga- u name it he had it, Kitungu, Nyanya, Biringanyas, Sukuma wiki, Spinach, Pili pili hoho, Dhania, Cucumbers, Pumpkins, Courgettes, Beans, Potatoes, Peas, Carrots, Fungi, Bacteria, Viruses, Algae, Amoebas, Lichens, Marijuana etc-

So Id made the habit of helping myself to the mbogas that he planted using seeds for Agricultural students so that was not STEALING!!! My tution covered all the tum mbogaz kwa hivyo I had a right to crawl under the gadamn singenge ... lol!!

You should have seen the state I was in when I walked back into the dorm after wrestling the singenge and proudlly owning 2 Nyanyaz and 1 Kitungu. I looked super disheveled, a portion of the back side of my skirt was missing, my entire torso was covered in mud, my hair was hosting a couple animals in there and I had grass all over my head, the side of my face had vumbi... alafu I was limping and clutching my injured tanye at the same time. I cant believe I went through all that trouble for a couple tomatoes and vitunguz... I had awesome priorities back then huh????? CLAP FOR ME...

Speaking of Mr Njoroge, si this one time just before we "CLEARED" sijui he was handing us something rather books, our grades- eh!! I cant remember, so we all 100 or whatever students had squeezed upon MR NJOROGE- his other "Little Friend" gave up the fight yallz- NJOROGE JUNIOR suddenly made his grand entrance- wacha chicaz started giggling hysterically- eiiish!!, Then he is trying to twist his ostrich legs to- squeeze naniyo back into the handa lakini- that was useless.

Lo Nyambok wrote at 1:14pm on July 1st, 2008
He was outside the staffroom area under that kam- tree or whatever- as tall as he was, his NANIYO totally refuse to fold back into its hiding place. FIMBO YA NYAYO WAS SALUTING to the max. We laughed yani- I personally thought I was going to pass out.

I think what made it hilarious is the fact that- he kept on trying to letanisha his skinny ostrich thayoz around FIMBO YA NYAYO- (Kinda like when U have been kazwaad na mkojo) I tell U- funniest ish I ever saw. 

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Juls Ruth (Kenya) wrote  at 4:32pm yesterday

HahaHaha...... This is just hilarious..... Yaani kumbe KIBOIDO (Mr. Njoroge.) had problem wit his 'fimbo'- Hehe-  When I had just come 2 Muggz in Form 2 I had to sit in front and during his classes esp 'REPRODUCTION TOPIC AGRIC'  Heh! Si hiz fimbo would rise and he'd start stamping his foot on the ground almost jumping up and down and i'd wonder what on earth??? Twasnt so welcoming for me as a new comer........ Disgusting at its finest!!! 

C. W. M. (Uganda) wrote at 1:29am yesterday

Aki Lo u wa nasty tabia mbaya thuggin from the kitchen garden. Betty wewe yaani n i thot it was kambo smokin huko downslope kumbe its u guys thats y i smelt the smoke n i used to tink here is my chance to go and talk to Kambo kaa sahi Rozie Nam and Lo are in class. i intended to haribu that 4some. lol 

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 10:05pm yesterday Monday July 7th 2008

@ Betty is Ms Gichathi the crazy woman who always taught MUSIC???? Tall light and skinny?-


This Mathe had me singing a LUO song when I was a MONO...

(Lets all give a moment for Lo and pray for this tormented woman!!!)

Ngai!! This mathe told me to go upfront and sing, the only time I ever sing in life is when am in the shower, or alone in my car people. I took one look at her gololi eyes and saw that she meant business!!

So I slowly climbed over my desk, thinking "someone please shoot me..." So I get to the front, and turn around with my wonderful "deer caught in the headlight look..."

I took a deep breath and started;



"Ne adhiyo chiro moro, chiro mar apala, mit ayudo wuod obanje mit akono wuod obanje Sammi madh chai koyo ng'ich..."



Bwahahahahahahahaha!! God I wish I could translate that song and have it retain its funny- in short its about going to the market and drinking hot tea...

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Lo Nyambok wrote  at 10:08pm yesterday

Ngai!! I look at the Music teacher and she looks like she is about to die laughing Naniyo. Lakini since I was scared of her I was breathing like a warthog and singing at the same time, and dancing all at once.

Si I sounded like someone who tries to sing when jogging- this Madhe was soooooooo amused and was intent on humiliating me- at the end of the song she goes-



"RRROREEN, EH!!  NEXT TIME TRY NOT TO BREATH RRRIKE (LIKE) A NDAAA-ING (DYING) NGHOTT (GOAT) WHEN SINGING...YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT BREATHING THING..."



Am thinking I was scared you retarded idiot!!! Hala? I was breathing like a "NGOTT" because I was trying to come up with a plot on how to escape through a window or something, Its called HYPERVENTILATION...

Na sasa where the hell did she ever come across GOATS singing and breathing like they are dying anywayz for her to make that comparison to my singing abilities???

Alafu she was holding those tu long rulers ready to crack my skull wide open!! Youd all be breathing like a "NDAAA-ING NGHOTT" aka DYING GOAT too if you had to sing under the circumstances that I went through... wah!!

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S. W. wrote at 10:27pm on July 1st, 2008

Wow i did not realize what y'all been saying i've been MIA lakini i'm back...Nyambok ati ulifanya nini i totaly get that murrum everyday could make u steal kuku from the school farm and make kuku choma out of it...

 Hey C where did we hide our Cigarettes and Kiberiti? i'm so sure it was not in the dorm..was it near the water tanks @ the washing area?.Ati CY and I were so HI-TEK we only smoked EMBASSY. if I kept up with that smoking habit i would still be hooked till now.

C. W. N. (Kenya) wrote at 3:15pm

Hahahaha....women!!!!come on I think we need to take a break on tis stories...yapani my ribs.

I cant even sit up... TOBOA!!!!!!!lakini that guy (MR NJOROGE) had a problem with his fimbo it was always UP!!!

Yaani Nyix am so pissed..how could u let me suffer like that lookin for water n u had it all along???Lakini P. was mad I still dont understand how she was still a cop!!

Nyix, thot u were saved at some point REM? Enyewe chicks used to pretend to be sooooo holy..wat was it wit the the gals n gettin saved in form one??? Oh by the way did i tell u gals i hanged wit kina Njukia  and Wairango, Kamotho... till like 2 in the AM? Yeah yeah...

C. W. N. (Kenya) wrote at 3:15pm
Rem I was a class cop in form 1 first term..until that ms gachuhi realized wat a bad gal i was..gez i cont hide for too long. Haiya Betty dont spill all our bad habits. Remember Njihia almost bustd us one smokin at down slopes..imagine i don smoke no more..ok maybe wen am realy wasted!!!

ok who can toboa the stories of ghosts????? 

S. W. W.  wrote at 7:12pm on July 3rd, 2008
Can anyone rem that story i think it was b4 you guys came to Muggz there is the story can't type coz i'm LMAO..after night preps gals were going up 2 the dorms and someone saw a RED HEN ha ha ha u won't believe this gals started running back 2 the classes u can imagine those tight skirts we wore and buckets full on water ha ha ha someone give me CPR I'm dying laughing...wasichana dropped their books buckets of water running away from the RED HEN..poor JOICE she was in my dorm the light skinned chic she malizad in 1997 fell and gals just run over her...

S. W. W.  wrote at 7:18pm on July 3rd, 2008

...the nurse had to come open the dispensary to treat the poor gals wounds and cuts ...now that i look back how stupid were we nobody even stopped to Question abt the RED HEN gals just took off..someone did see the HEN coz everybody was running...y'all should have witnessed the chaos Someone send me nurse coz i just fell off the chair laughing and broke my hiney...LMAO!!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 7:17pm (July 7th 2008- Monday)
I never did hear about the RED HEN but I was told about the GREEN NAKED MAN who resided down slopes- Bwahahahahaha!!

@ Rozzie honey, I love you to death (and this daznt mean u have to revenge on me when I finally get the guts to post my pics) lakini that sweta honeybun

*ROARING WITH LAUGHTERATION HERE*

ok am done!!

Did I ever tell u guys the way Waigwa - that friggin MBWA JIKE!!!!!- (Oh I feel so better now) That alien punished me one time, I swear I have never 4given her for this- a 'mbwa jike' called me into her office onetime and talked about somebody had reported that I was not speaking the correct language (Yall remember Mon na Friday Swahili sanifu...whatever!!) anywhooz, she punished me for speaking ENGLISH on a SWA day or some ish like that.

The skunk mama had me walk from VIKOMBE 2 Muranga town (ON FOOT!!!) It was me and 3 other chicaz I cant even remember coz I was so pissed off! It took us like 8-10hours walking to MO-TOWN, and I had to buy SHAMBA LA WANYAMA (as my pano for not speaking swa) and it costed like my entire semester worth of pocket money. 

Lo Nyambok wrote at 2:21pm
We pandad a matatu our way back to school and I never 4gave that skeezer!! I was so furious at her after that, when I got back she talked about...

"Oh when u clear school y dont u come and collect you SHAMBA LA WANYAMA from me..."

Like I needed that stupid book after high school... effin retard!!
AM GOOD YALL I just had to vent for a minute, that was absolutely my worst experience in VIKOMBE ever!! Lemmi go and suck on ice-cubes or smthn to cool down.

@ Shiru, I dare you to say anything about my superb adidas pants, those pants were rocking back then, hala!! Besides I almost started charging pple for borrowing it every Sunday 2 go and take pichaz in them pants, lol..so show some love for the famous pants!!

Lo Nyambok wrote at 2:31pm


Lol @ Angie...after I was done venting thats when I noticed you mentioned the thing about getting pano for speaking some language on the wrong day!! Glad to know that am not the only one who was totally punished by this Witch...N'gombe type!!! I swear she kasirishad me...!!
My feet still hurt though!! The upside to all that is that I got to breathe plenty of fresh air (and dust!!)

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 10:32pm on January 30th, 2008

Hehehehe..anytime storoz of VIKOMBE come up I cringe! coz am sure a certain somebody is just waiting to roast my tanye mpaka there is nothing left of it, lol!

Awww...whatever happened to Bonnie? Alafu it took me awhile to grasp the concept of the BLUE thingy, the point was to give the shirt an illusion of "whiteness" I was busy making my white shirt look  blue-er than the sky instead of white!!!

 I have highschool pics, lakini you have to whip me and drag me on the ground with chains for me to unleash them bad boys.

Sweety u totally have to drag me on glass for me to unleash them bad boiz. Hala mimi I wasnt looking that SUPUU as u all are in your picha with kina Bull. I have to pray about it before I can show the pichaz on here...I am getting a nervous breakdown just thinking about it!! 

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E. M.(Houston, TX) wrote at 11:14am

Lo funny Nyix thought Ann was a lesb..n yo here unleashing proof that she liked u...ati hugging n offering hunkies.the hell?u were so naive...bet u if she had stayed longer ud have fallen for it..looooollll..c, every thing's gradually unfolding....tereng!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 1:18pm

OMG!! Shiru is that y she came up to my "special" room and asked me if I could take off my bra and compare our nipples and areola, just to see if they had the same color and texture??? I should have known...LMAO!!!

Besides, unajuaje if I didnt totally enjoy that hug?? hmmm?? 

Lo Nyambok wrote at 11:49am

@ Rozzy, c peeps are coming to that conc. because she (and I painfully admit...damnit!!) found me sobbing away in my "special" room, and anywayz she knocked on the door, walked in and gently lifted my chin to stare into my big hazel eyes. So I stared back into her big beautiful brown eyes, and she reached out and brushed a golden teardrop from my cheek (face cheek not butt cheek!!)

Anywhooz, I think she couldnt keep up with the teardrops pouring from my lacrimal glands, and so she proceeded to whip out a snow white hankie that had patterns of the blossoming lilies. I still remember the aroma of her unique scent on that hankie as I swabbed away angrily at my tear droplets. Then she gently scooted her butt cheek over to where I had planted my butt cheeks, and she gently rubbed my shoulder!! As soon as our butt cheeks touched, I sighed away at the pure bliss of...

MANGOM'BE TYPE ALL OF YOU!! Everyone happy now?? Look a chica hugged and gave me a white hankie because I was a lost MONO and I was missing Daddy sobbing away like a sad toi on the floor END OF STORY!! Yall turning this into some freaky Lez romance... hamna adabu freaks!!!!

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W. G. (Birmingham, AL) wrote at 11:59am

Ha ha ha Lo, u should actually write a book on all these sagaz u went thru...too hilarious!! Ok I give up on the nipples and areola.....I've become a junky..I need more more please...memories ati Brut..I remember I used to wear it way waaay back in Primo...sawa endeleeni!!! waiting.....



Lo Nyambok wrote at 12:31pm


Totally Glad youre having awesome laughter @ my expense... nice friends yall are.

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Lo Nyambok wrote January 2008

Rozzie wacha hiyo maneno, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my healthy hair..lol!! I was just amused when I got to VIKOMBE and everybody was talking about MOSODO...am thinking, who the hell is this famous MOSODO? Kumbe its the ka microscopic ponytail that chikaz had in High school that was so forced into the scrunchiez, (hair band) eiiish!!

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S. W. W.  wrote Today at 1:13pm

LMAO what the hell is MOSODO reminded me of this chic in ma class Geraldine alikuwa na this box hair cut, alikuwa ana ng'uruta that hair every 10 minutes lord have mercy..and the forced MOSODO most mono's had. Lucky 4 those who had hair wakija form one.

One more thing can u remember this chic can't remember her name she did a stupid thing ali step kwa rope ambayo ilikuwa imefunga around one of those ng'ombes we had @ sch this chic fell on her face when the cow took off and lost one or two of her front teeth LMAO....don't get me started with the Nairobi fly swollen faces OMG how did we ever survive???

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 2:48pm

If anyone needs me, look around in the obituary coz am dying right now- I cant breath!!! Ati someone stepped on what????

Reminds me of this storo I heard about either Muhigh or Kiagoats, when they were tired of chewing on the gadamn murrum and decided they were going to take matters into their own hands. Chica am telling U, ati they plotted out like expert criminals, ati 3 people are on the look out up the trees like ready to make warning "Monkey sounds" or something. Another 3 dudes distract the watchie and any other person who might get in the way.

Alafu about 4-6 dudes went into the Bull pen (or whatever they call it) and it was night time- Ooook!! So they didnt even know where to begin, lakini they had made up their minds that they had to have some NYAM CHOM and plenty of it too coz they were fed up!!

Ngai!!! (I cant even type am laughing so hard) something about one dude jumped on the Cow/bull/animal- whatever in a serious bid to wrestle it to the ground - SERIOUSLY???

Lo Nyambok wrote at 2:55pm

Wah!! Si they startled the cow- Mwathani!!! Ati then the other 5 dudes are climbing up on the poor animal, sijui someone has a rope tied sijui where to gonganisha it down!!!!

(PAUSE)

Now take a minute and visualize 5 grown as men, all of them on top of a terrified cow, in the dark - all groping around wildly trying to figure out what exactly they are doing.

Did they really think that climbing up a cow's back will gonganisha the Ng'ombe to the ground??? Lakini Imma defend their retarded actions by explaining to you all that, you have to kumbuka that these boys were "STARVING."

I mean that hunger must have been so extremely severe, because usually when a sane person gets hungry... they aim for something realistic like bread, fruits, snacks, tusker etc but anyone of U ever get so hungry that you bypassed kawaida food and headed straight for a WHOLE COW that is still ALIVE??? Tsk!! Tsk!!

Well then... they must have been having extremely low blood glucose (Sugar) and the brain survives on nothing but glucose and glucose alone- anyone seeing the connection so far????

HUNGER ↓

STARVATION↓

LOW BLOOD GLUCOSE↓

BRAIN FUNCTION IMPAIRED↓

DELUSIONS/HALLUCINATIONS OCCUR ↓

BOYS WRESTLE A COW FOR FOOD. 

I think what ended up furahishaing me the most is the fact that- the Cow started making ungodly sounds, and u know how sound travels far in the night... ati next thing U know, a dude is like;

"We Njoroge nipatie hiyo sweta yako ASAP...!!!"

The other dude is super confused like HUH?? ATI?? WTF??? Weeuuuwe- this dude grabbed the sweater and feelangaing too clever he decided he was going muffle the gadamn sounds from the Cow and strangle it (Lets all take a moment of silence)...

After trying to stuff the sweta up the cow throat, the Cow figured it wasnt ready yet and she had it with 6 Boys groping her in the dark for no reason at all- So the boys lost and the cow lived!!!! I swear, I still remember the dude who told me this storo- NOOOO U have never laughed mpaka U start crying Mami.

Lo Nyambok wrote at 2:57pm

Alafu the guy telling me the story was demonstrating ati vile his friend had the Cow Upon a headlock like the tu wrestlers- I was on the WWF, I am asking him R U serious??


Moral of the story, dont ever starve high school kids- thats a baaaaaaaad idea- Praise the Lord for the Sweta nyongad Cow that survived!! (I really need to get away from all of U...am so crying right now.)

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S. W. W.  wrote at 3:32pm

LMAO ....need to run to the bathroom b4 I pee on myself ati the KIAGOATS BOYS did what? how comes we never got that idea when we were being fed that murrum?

I heard they used to add kerosine to our food to reduce our sex drive LOL...

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Muthoni (United Arab Emirates) wrote at 6:00pm yesterday

Hahaha...am dying you made me remember my old days... By the way sweets I was in (G.G), if u can rem it.

 Did u guys used to danganya monos ati "MY NAME IS PIPPETTE" ( those lab equips) n then we omba them spoons they kuja lunch time n askl for their spoon u tell them you not the one...lol!!

N that time shes come to a table full of form fours n she goes like,

"PIPETTE??? Nisaidie na spoon yangu please."

Then some mamas will ruka shouting,

"NANI MIMI???SIO MIMI!!!"

Ngai poor Monos... I was not a lucky one cos i was the tallest since form one mpaka 4th so i never used to chezea them!! Waaahh those days...Ngaiiii!!!  

Hahahahaha!!  I cant stop laughing baby u almost lost ua tanye virginity na barbed wire all because of onions na dhania???  U have made my night!!now us we used to iba avocados!!!hahahahaha just remembered we was not allowed to chuna mangoes n the trees used to b near D.hall so we used to ran when the bell rings for any break to see if ul get a mango hapo chini!! Ngaiiii...LOL!!!

MORE IS COMING....wacha I stop laughing kidogo..

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 9:42pm yesterday.

Bwahahahahaha!! U cracked me up with the mango storo- OMG baby- really, I remember Githunguri- Welcome to the land of Mammaz who mention their High school and people go like- "HUH?" The trick is to mumble your high school name at lightening speed then change the topic and start talking about Global warming or something.-------

Lo Nyambok wrote at 9:42pm (July 7 2008).

I still kumbuka when I was in F4- we were in the chapel and brave MONO comes upfront to sing and she starts by saying;



"I AM GOING TO SHONG U A SHINGING" 

I think she meant "SING YOU A SONG." 

Chic I tried holding the laugher in for like 10 seconds and then I just pasuad- eiiiish!!! I couldnt help myself I swear- poor MONO looking all confident didnt even realize what she had said- ROFLMAO!!

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C.W. M. (Uganda) wrote at 4:34am

I have had it with y'all. yaani u got my ribs hurtin so my lawyer is goin to be talkin to all of u. lol!!!! Anway Muggz ilikuwa the Bold mbaya n I was the role model.

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J. R. (Kenya) wrote at 4:36pm on July 5th, 2008

Lo, u r totally killing me.... ROFL!!! Ati shong u a shinging... What??? HahaHeheHaha..... Yaani there's no other way of describing the laughter.... Reminds me of a joke that we heard about that history teacher mrs.mwangi Ati she once said...

 "Chun chine leconder"  then at realising what she's said she goes like,

"SOLE KWANI AM SRRUBING"  

HeheheHehehe!!!! I swear this statement made my des better in skul like totally!!! Lol!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 7:27pm on July 5th, 2008

@ J, I swear it was the most excruciating thing trying not to laugh- and losing the battle with the mcheko. It was really quiet in the chapel amd Njihia was sitting somewhere in the back where she always sat @. So this MONO (I swear I remember her face but cant remember her name). Anyway this MONO- 1st Sunday of her life MUGGZ, this Chica comes walking up to the alter like BOSSMAN- ok!!

Then I was sitting upfront, thinking- "Ngai!!! Haka ka MONO ni ka brave..." so am staring @ her like, show us what Uve gat woman!! This gal opens her mouth and goes:

"I AM GOING TO SHONG YOU A SHINGING." 

Eiiish... this laughter bubbled up my chest and I instantly put both my hands cupped over my mouth to stifle a giggle. Then besides me someone giggled and I could hear them struggling to breath like damn cows!!

Lo Nyambok wrote at 7:32pm on July 5th, 2008

So am staring at my shoes, with a balled up sweater up my mouth saying over and over "Lo U cant laugh!! U cant laugh!!...!!" The whole time my body is just quacking and am trying to control my tu shoulders from shaking violently.

Then a couple of people around me were also struggling and they sounded like animals in the dark. Breathing in deeply trying to look at anything but that singing Mono.

This super couragious MONO is singing something about;

"MWOKOZI YESU- NISAMEHE..." something rather...

So the more I held that mcheko the better it got U... the my entire crew up on the same bench people are just wiping tears off their eyes- coughing- breathing etc. I didnt wanna get in trouble with Njihia- so I tried everything possible and it all failed. One person fanyad a ka giggle- and I just said;

"To hell with Ms Njihia...!!!" (THE HIGH SCOOL PRINCIPAL by the way)

I opened my mouth and just burst out in pure loud laughter, alafu everybody else couldnt help it around me and so the damn hyenas joined me in laughter, am just thinking "Thank God am not the only one going to get it from Njihia...

Lo Nyambok wrote at 7:39pm on July 5th, 2008

We anguad a JICHEKO (Big- KiCHEKO)- I was just like if I didnt let it out I was going to explode. I never did get in trouble- but 2 this day it cracks me up sana- I swear.

(Apparently I liked to laugh at people a little too much in high school, the same laughter thing also happened in class during the Swahili storo...)

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Alafu I skia Mr. Wekesa was teaching sijui Faraday ama Plato Agriculture (He didnt teach us- we had CUBOID HEAD aka FIMBO YA NYAYO) anywhoo- ati he walks in class one time and tells people...

"KUT MORNIN KILASS, TODAY WE ARA GOING TO REARN SOMETHING APOUT THE ARIMENTARI KANARI OFFA KOTT!!!!"

Eiiish... people are thinking, what the friggin hell did he just tell them, then he repeats it again loud and clear-

"THE ARIMENTARI KANARI OFFA KOTTI!!!."

People are puzzled like what the WTF?? So he goes, open your text books to Chapter 9 page 144- what does it say...??

One Chica anguad kicheko and goes  "OooooooooH, THE ALIMENTARY CANAL OF A GOAT???"

The Tich goes all excited like- "YAAH!! YAAH!! THE ARIMENTARI KANARI OFFA KOTTI!!"
When I was told that saga I just died laughing U- eiiish!!! Its not even English- that language is from beyond!!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 7:45pm on July 5th, 2008

 No- I dont think it was Wekesa it was the other Training Teacher who was a Kalenjin lakini I have 4gotten his name. People never listen to him - poor guy!!!

The one Mr. Wekesa said to people in F3 Faraday ati; "This class is full of KANGAA-ASTAAZ..."

Lakini even him he just had the entire class confused like WTF is he saying???

So he goes again (like students as dumb) ati; "Nyinyi ni watoto wacheuri sana- Ni MAKANGAA-ASTAZ..."

Then when people couldnt get it at all- he writes it on the Blackboard like- "GANGSTERS!!!... !!"

So his sentence up there was; "NYINYI NI WATOTO WAJEURI SANA- MAGANGSTERS!!"

Seriously??? KANGAA-ASTAZ & GANGSTERS are so not related- what the hell?? I swear its Rosemary who gave me that vibe- I was just always chekaing at some of the things the instructors said- Maajabu nakuambia!!

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Muthoni (United Arab Emirates) wrote at 2:45am yesterday

Uuuuuiii I swear u guys r making my days n nights this is too good... 

Ngai being a MONO was hard kwanza the shrubbing... it was not a big deal sana for me b4 i went to high school cos in primo it was worse n I didnt bother cos everybody shrubs everything n the teachers as well,but when I went high school, I couldnt believe grown ups can shrub like that....waaaaahh....!!!

I swear monos made my life hard cos I was always in deep ish cos of laughing n was always top 3 noise maker as usual...

Like theres this one who shrubbed u guys mpaka nikajikojolea...!!!! Ngai can u imagine shrubbing a whole hotuba n the more guys laugh the more she continued talking loudly...waaaahhh!!!

I wont sema her name cos she might one day join FB... this is the vibe...we was told to andika a hotuba abt 'SAFETY OF THE ROAD', 

So we was supposed to b like the Police Boss or something like that... Si her turn fikaas she starts;

"KWANSA KAMBISA NIGETAKA KUWASARIMIENI NYOTE..."

Aaaiiii- I lengaad that one...

Muthoni (United Arab Emirates) wrote at 2:50am yesterday

Then to make it worse our swa teacher was the deputy heady Miss Githaiga, she was seating at the back.. Ngai when I looked back she was looking at me n she pointed me... "Muthoni pls dont laugh...  waaahhh!!"

Then she goes on (MONO );

"WANANSHI WENSANGU, MANDELEFA WOTE NA MAKANGA, NI RASIMA TUSIGATIE MABO YA... BLAH BLAH BLAH...."

Uuuuuuuiii!! The rest is history I cant remember the rest, but that was enuff!!! Kwanza when I looked back and saw the deputy lol!! I was like- BILA!!!!- am not kaziaing again. All I remember,is that she shrubbed the whole time till we could not hear her no more...

Muthoni (United Arab Emirates) wrote at 3:00am yesterday (- Sunday- July 6th 2008)

Mono again,u guys used to have WEEKEND CHALLENGES right?? Lo pls tell me u got saved once like me....hahahaha..wacha kucheka!!!

A Mono goes n starts singing, na si guys laughed n to make it worse there were other schools,aibu aibu...  She asked out loudly (MONO) 

"WHAT THE MATHA (Matter)?? WHAT FUNNY?? WHY YOU RAUGHING????" 

Ngai talk of doomness!! Imagine our heady told her to sit down how sad...

Back to the saga of getting saved "LORD HAVE MERCY", You know the notorious phase( FORM 2 ) since umetoka kuwa mono... we was wondering why guys fall down when those guys pray for them and when they shika their heads wanaanguka.

Am very religious by the way very. Hata kama sikai... but but but but, that thing of falling down.....aaaaiiii am sorry... 

Si me and my pals we pangaad, actually my deski we went hapo mbele kuombewa purposely to know abt the falling down saga, n then we stood pamoja, the prayers started guys were speaking in "Tongues" that time am thinking "guys finish theres an NBA game to watch in the afty", Waaah!! 

Muthoni (United Arab Emirates) wrote at 3:05am yesterday
Si the guy fikiaad us Ngaii he started with my desky, me am thinking,

"Ngai sweety ukianguka I will laugh pls dont,"

Weee she didnt fall down, then it was my turn, wololos, he tried pushing me but skinny me nilikuwa nimejikaza kukaza,am sure he was just saying in his mind; "Shindwe, pepo nyeusi"... waaaah!!!

He pushed me nikakata, then later me n my desky, we was like kumbe this guys push pple down sio roho or pepo.

Did I mention mkate nusu na soda for trips?? I used to love it...damn gal u shuldt have started this...mwaah keep your head up...tumetoka mbali...

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:05pm yesterday

Soda na mkate nusu was the only reason I went for funkies... too deadly! Kwanza ati I was head journalist sijui something rather I cant even remember. Ati I use to go for trips holding a clip board with some sijui ni Felt pen ama what were those things called?? Makes U look all sophisticated and whatnot!! 

I always had my glasses on and didnt crack a smile- ati I was observing ish that people did all thru the funky just so Id write a weekly magazine aka report for people.

Woman please!! U think I was observing anything? When people wore them scary ass bloomers (ugliest things I have ever come across in life) mimi I was in my beautiful BROWN skirt and GREEN Sweater with my Ka-brown tie proud as a whaaat?? 

Alafu I sagged my skirt and I was walking around feelangaing supuu as a matha. Them days if U didnt sag your skirt all the way below ur kitambi, then u didnt know fashion. Alafu wore long white socks and had to fold them another ki-style and baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas- U were looking fly as hell!!



Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:13pm yesterday


Id walk around feelangaing journalist asking people QNs like; 



"So, can you tell me what you think about Team A winning over Team B and what are your personal feelings about the official games?? So between Albert Einstein and Sir Isaac Newton, who do you think came up with a better scientific law?" 



Dudes are looking at me like- What the F*#$* is she smoking?? Eiiish!!



I def, remember people getting saved etc lakini since I was Catholic, we prayed in the Chapel, but once in a while id make my way down the protestant prayer location.

My 1st time to attend- 600 students were "Speaking in tongues" I was in absolute shock. I was sitting next to my friends puzzled- wacha people transitioned from 

"SHETANI MBAYA- SHETANI NI MBAYA...KATENGANISHA ADAMU NA EVUU (EVE)..." 

to next thing people getting really weird and super excited!!!

Yawa!!

I was in absolute shock wondering if I should also just start talking in full blown Luo and just mention all the fruits and vegetables in luo, and noone would figure it out. Alafu the tongues increased in frequency ad people were talking to the chairs, banging on the walls, hoping on one foot, crying!!!!...

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:19pm yesterday

I look at my friends and they had transformed, and were becoming hysterical- I had goose bumps running up and down my body like- What the hell should I do yawa??? 

The Preacher the whole time is just like..


"Shaynaynayanyayanayanya... pararannaarrraa nayyyaaa haaaaaaiyaaaaa lulululululuyayayayaya... hamanaaaaaaaaaaaaa lamanaaaaaaa hayhayahayahayaha!!!!!!"



I took one look at all the people (students) who had fallen to the ground and were having seizures, others were frothing in the mouth and- saying.. 

"Thank you Jesus...!!" In that tone like when U are sobbing really loudly- Like;

"Than- nk Yoo-uuu Jeee- eee- zzzz- ussss!!"



I took one look at all that and in a split second I took off just flew out the back door and never went back. I later asked my friends what the hell was going on, and they said- it was the POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT that possessed all who were praying... I was honestly too freaked out, and I respected what they did but gadamn!!!

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:27pm yesterday

Lakini Baby- your MONO friend up there ng'oaring every word had me dying in laughter. When I was in F1- I still remember this fellow classmate coming to me after dinner time talking about...



"ROREENIE...NDOO YHOO HAFF A HO-THEE WHA-THERR MBO-TTHRO..."



I swear, I have never forgotten that Mami- I was blank like HUH? Then she points and repeats the same sentence... and I finally got it, she was asking me ati..



"LOREEN DO YOU HAVE A HOT WATER BOTTLE..."



Wachanga Tu... I was too puzzled to react Ngai!!! Alafu most the teachers never said the NYAMBOK name right- they always said..

"NYAAABOKO..."

I just figured- Ey, it will do...lol, I come to the US and its the same deal everybody seems to say...

"NAYA-MBEK"... 
Yani, am telling U, my bro crackes me up coz he says that some pple instead of hearing NYAMBOK they heard YOUNGBUCK... Bwahahahahahahaha- too hilarious!!!

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UPDATED SATURDAY OCTOBER 4th 2008 

Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:46pm

Ngai!!! I just remembered that ka Tich who always said - "OOOO- OOO" she always taught CRE- and always looked at the corner of the roof when teaching- ROFLMAO!!

"Eh!! You are all the young ones who confuse married men in Kahuro market- thats why every man in Muranga has himself a "GACUNGWA" eiiiish!! I was on the floor like WTF??



(Who remembers her name? This Mathe who always had them big ass sweaters that had tunywelez on it and only had like 1000 colors on it- all she ever did was twist her neck and say - OOOH!!! I remember her face clear as day lakini her name is now an issue jamani.)



Anyway, them tu Tioz were freaks yani- this one time she was telling us something about this old tradition that young women practiced back in the day.
Anyway, so she said ati- when women fikad puberty, (Back in the days like 100 years ago), That your Cucu aka grandma would take a cloth and wrap up your Precious Southern Naniyo (U know where girls-) ati with an intricate knot that only she understood them knots, alafu boys (also at the same of puberty) were allowed to visit the girls.


So Mamiz were allowed to stay in private with them boys, and at ages 12-18yrs old, please- them kids just want nothing else but to attack each other and just tear each other up right??

So Mrs (Whatshername) says ati the Men were allowed to do anything and everything possible with a teenage girl, so that included fondling boobies, dry humping, caressing- U all know what am talking about??

(HEY!! This is not PORNO so yall quite breathing like hurricanes about this ka description- hamna adabu hata!- this was a lesson in CRE taught by a 60 year old madhe, so am not the freak yallz aight!! lol!!) 

Anyway, the boys were allowed to dry hump the girl, but couldnt get to the forbidden fruit because Cucu had tied up private parts in like 1 million knots that only she and her spirit guide understood. Ati so in the heat of the moment the boys ng'ang'ana with them knots and never get to a mammaz goodiez-So them boys would sugua there niniyoz upon a woman and have all the pleasure, plus dudes were even allowed to reach to go all the way I tell U... ROFLMAO!!!

The whole time the Mami is just bound in tu belts, ropes and scarves pale chini like one of them Egyptian Mummies!!

So how fair can that be NANI?? Yani the torture that those girls would go through, I cant even imagine how they survived. So the dudes would sugua mpaka they achieved their satisfaction, lakini a Mami would just be left burning with serious desire- alafu after they were done, its the Cucu who would undo them vitambaaz later that night- Maajabu nakuambia.

I was in absolute shock, like my jaw dropped to the floor and rolled down slope- like what the frigging frack is this C.R.E teacher talking about and what has it got to do with CHRISTIAN RELIGIOUS EDUCATION??? Seriously??

Alafu Ms (Whatshername) had gone into details yani, I mean the whole thing about the thet the boyz doing their thing and all the time the Mami just wishing she'd tranform into a leopard and attack the dude- lakini being held back by them vitambaaz.

Ngai!!! This Mathe shocked the living lights out of my system- Does that description sound familiar to anyone? Where are the tu girls who were with me in the same class--lol!! I have never been so SHOCKED after my CRE Ticho told us about that practice- Ngai Nani!!!

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S. W. W. wrote at 8:33pm

Lo you must be talking about Miss GICHATHI she was light skinned and got married while i was still a student there...but the teacher who i know talked like that was.. the Chemistry teacher Mrs WAWERU a.k.a MAINGI..that's the same teacher who told us to save our sweetness for our husbands i wish y'all have a vivid memory of her speech ha ha let me try to quote her

"ngirls ngirls (girls) i'm terring (telling) you sould (should) mbe (be) saving ur sweetness for your husmbands (husbands)."

LMAO i can't type anymore that teacher used to ng'oa u should have seen my chemistry book until i read my text book i thought LEAD the metal was spelled REND...tulikua tunang'oa writing on our books ...Lo that story must have been a shocker to you but i think it was true..Oh boy it must have been tough for them  girls the guys fikad climax lakini the girls were left High,and Dry how unfair was that... 

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 8:49pm

Hey sweety- I dunno those names are not ringing to the name that I knew. Lakini she sounds like the type who would say,

"Save your sweetness for your husbands." Bwahahahahahahaha!!

Them Mathez were deep in Murang'a lakini were freaks as hell nani, when Mrs C.R.E was done giving that description, I was over there like- 

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl that over there was just FREE PORN, Thank U, Thank U I needed that!!!!" ROFLMAO!!

Seriously though, on that day, I was in SHOCK like WTF??? I swear I really was speechless nani whuuuuuuuuuuuuuat???

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 8:56pm 

Alafu the same Teacher that was telling us ati there is a practice done in Turkana- where once the girls hit like 12 years, then their tu Cucus (again) will gather like all the girls around the same age group - like 50 at a time.

Alafu grab like a whole army of safari ants, then the practice is to teach the girls (at 12yrs- talk of abuse) anywhoo- she said the Cucu would use the safari ants to increase the size of the to girls Naniyoz Ngai!! Woiye them poor animals uma the flesh of the Niniyoz...

Ati they would wekanisha the tu safari ants on the Niniyoz and have them slowly help the NINI to grow, they'd do this for like 2weeks alafu by the end them girls have tu matundas the size of Tomatoes- woman I was soooooooooooo traumatized after that storo!!

My biggest QN was- how did she know about what Turkana women did to their (CENSORED) in so much detail and WHAT did this topic have to do with Jesus aka Christian Religious Education???

I tell U, them women, were absolute freaks- always found a way to talk about some Southern female anatomical areas.. MAAJABU! 

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MRS WAIRAGU!!! Yeah that was the name of the C.R.E FREAKA- LICIOUS TEACHER ahahahahahaha!!! ati she said,

"Eh OOO- U dheenk you ara betha dhan adhas mbikkoz you ara stirro (still) young anda mbiiuuttifooo (beautiful) !!! Eh!! Walking arrraud (around) Kahurrro (Kahuro) thirraaing (trying) thoo rrua (lure) orro (all) dha (the) marrreeeddiiad (married) menno (MEN)- you arra dha ones dhey (they) arra corroing(calling) dha tu- chugguaz (gacungwas)...OOO!!!!"


Translation;

"You think you are better than others because you are still young and beautiful!! Walking around KAHURO trying to lure all the married men- you are the ones they call tu-cungwas...!!!"

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Lo Nyambok wrote at 3:56pm

Alafu F4 (my year) who kumbukaz Mrs Oluoch?? That Madhe had ass enough to feed the entire planet and feed the starving aliens residing on Mars- I swear!!

That madhe had the best Luo accent, mpaka we all started doing the ka accent (weird Ey- given the fact that am jadhe).
 
Mrs Oluoch would come to class and say;

"GUDU MORNING KILASS? TOO-DAAA-EE WE SAL BE GOING OVAA THA LAST TOPEEK THAT WE KAVAAD YESTA- DAAEE... WHO REE-MEMBASS...???"
(Ekelea deep Luo accent with all the to emphasis in all the right places.)

Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Am done 4 now everyone, I gotta stop talking about my high school storoz - ama ill die laughing. 

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N. W. (Lowell, MA) wrote at 10:19am on July 9th, 2008

Ok.......people....thanx for making me chock on my bagel!!! i cant help but laugh on all the comments!! seems i went for vacation and y'all got busy in here!!!! well......Maingi was the one who was kold Wageshe then after she got married she changed her name ama???am having a vivid memory on that! its either there was two ladies ama one...wateva....may she RIP.she surel made high skul life interesting anyway.

Wairagu....now..if you dont remember her..she is the lady who thot she had it all ju apparently she was married to a DC ama some shyt like that and had 2sons.

Ati she neva wanted to get a baby gal ju according to her shallow brains she dint wonna have to 'share' her hubby with her daughter at some point in life. She would swing that ass ka shyt in class wen she taught us the 'Call of Moses, Abraham,....and wateva is in the bible'.thot i would turn out to be a saint afta her classes but...wapi!! lol

BTW...who was that luo teacher? Were we there by then? Dont seem to rem her! @Lo....you too funny with the descriptions!!! props gal 

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To the Mami who twisted my arm and made me do this;

Babes I swear, YOU owe me... for making me put my retarded bizness out in the universe like that. Ngoja tu... Ill find a way to make US even.

Alafu ati youre saying 'ITS LOVE'-- Woman!!! What's Love Got To Do With It?? (Tina Turner, 1993) - What? I had to cite Tina Turner... lol!!!  Wewe endelea tu kunichekelea... utakipata!

Namaste

Copyrighted © 2008, Loreen Nyambok.